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Whatever you do, do ALL to the glory of God.
I Corinthians 10:31 (ESV)

I knew the time was getting close.

Hospice confirmed those thoughts. Just a few more days…

My thoughts swung wildly.

“Jesus, just take him home and out of this misery…”,

“Oh God, please heal my husband!”

I lay next to him that Wednesday night, with my hand placed securely upon his chest. I longed to be ever so close while somehow praying and pleading with God….if I keep my hand on his chest, then his heart will keep on beating….But the ravages of cancer could be held off no longer. I awoke the next morning and Dan was gone, just gone! I knew that he was in the arms of our Savior, but the pain of him no longer being here was so deep, and excruciating. It was as if someone had ripped us apart.

How would I survive this road, this unexpected fork in the road of our lives?

It has now been almost five years of traveling this road. A road I really wanted no part of, a road I was forced into taking. I’m reminded of the things that traveling on this road has taught me:

• This road is long. None of us can see the end of the road, and in part, this is how God intended it to be. God, in His incredible GRACE, has made it possible to see only the road right in front of us, the few steps in our view. We live each day by placing our trust in Him, knowing we can’t make this journey on our own.
• This road’s destination is unknown. We don’t know where God is taking us on this road. We must just trust our Heavenly Father that He is sovereign and knows where the road ends.
• This road will be bumpy and rough. Grief is not an easy road. One thing that has been such a comfort to me: knowing that God KNOWS the depth of my grief like no one else. We must give ourselves grace on those tough days to grieve and allow God to comfort and hold us like only He can.
• This road is also wide. God did not make us to live alone- He created us to live in community. I could not have traveled this road without the comfort of having those who love me, coming along beside me and helping me persevere on this road. God will provide others to join you so keep your eyes open for those He brings into your life. Many have come into my life that I would not have known if it wasn’t for my husband’s death. I’m so grateful that God has given me new friends as well as those who have loved me from the start.

But is this road worth it?

I have asked myself this same question. What benefit has this grief journey been to me? Why do we have to suffer? What is my purpose?

Suffering allows us to share about the love of Jesus and the HOPE that only He can give. There is purpose in this process. God doesn’t waste any circumstance in our lives instead, He uses it all for His GLORY! We can share with others, the GOOD God we serve and what He has done in our lives, no matter the circumstances! In life and in death. Dan’s death has given me a fierce love for all things relational.

Life is short takes on new meaning after you lose the love of your life! It gives me a kind of bravery that sticks like glue to share the love of Jesus and His goodness to those who need that comfort.

But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect,
I Peter 3:15 (ESV)

To share that God is GOOD in the midst of death is not easy, but God in His grace has shown me that my life is still good, maybe in a different way, but still good. Jerry Sittser in his book, A Grace Disguised says,

Gifts of Grace come to all of us. But we must be ready to see and willing to receive these gifts. It will require a kind of sacrifice, the sacrifice of believing that however, painful our losses, life can still be good, good in a different way than before, but nonetheless good.

How does this happen? How do you sacrifice belief? I have to trust with my heart and not my eyes–my eyes will not see the end of the road. how long the road is, or who I will meet along the road. But my heart TRUSTS what I cannot see. He knows the road and I have to lean into Him.

So CAN I say without a doubt that this road has been worth it?

If this road I’m traveling has pointed to Jesus and given God the GLORY He deserves, then this road has been worth it! That is our purpose here, to point others to Jesus and to give God all the glory for whatever comes our way.