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Nearly nine years – that’s how long I’ve been praying the same prayer day in and day out.

And, yet again, it was not answered (how I would like it to be).

I feel sad and disappointed and if I’m honest with myself, a bit angry.

In February 2014, my son Ty went into anaphylactic shock after eating yogurt made with cow’s milk. Thankfully we were able to get him to the hospital in time, they were able to give him epinephrine, and he was OK. But we learned an everyday kitchen staple for most is deadly to him, and he’s stayed clear of all milk products since then. A recent appointment provided the disheartening news that, even still, he cannot consume milk products – as he broke out with a rash on his arm just by touch.

The unanswered prayer reminded me of the times I’ve prayed for other things in my life and they went “unanswered”, or the outcome wasn’t the answer I was looking for. My biggest prayer was that my husband Michael and I would live long lives together, watching our children and grandchildren grow up and eventually die at the same time (I know that isn’t how it works…). That prayer wasn’t answered either.

Yesterday marked eight years since Michael made his way to heaven. I honestly can’t believe I survived the last eight years of my life when I wasn’t sure I would even make it eight seconds, literally.

But the Lord never promised to answer our prayers the way we see fit. However, he did promise to be with us through every trial, challenge, and circumstance.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33 (NIV)

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

“For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.”
Deuteronomy 20:4 (NIV)

I have always known that being a Christian does not give me immunity to the troubles of this world, but I never imagined that suicide would impact my life. I never imagined becoming a widow and sole parent at 31. It wasn’t part of my plan. But it happened.

And when it did, I begged and bartered with God for another way for His will to be done, until I finally surrendered to His will and not my own.

It can be difficult to understand when our hopes and dreams for this life don’t go along with what actually happens; however, we can rest in knowing Jesus is with us and has us covered.

I have said this time and time again: I know Jesus doesn’t plan for a wife to lose her husband at 31 and a child to lose his father at just one-and-a-half years old. And it will never make sense to me, but He allowed it so there must be something I can’t see.

Over the past eight years, I can tell you I’ve experienced the Lord with me every step of this journey. He’s come through time and time again for my son and me – so many times I’ve lost count. He has transformed and redeemed my life.

We aren’t always called to understand, we are called to trust in the Lord.

God says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways to submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

I love this verse. It was written on a note card that I found in my husband’s truck. Little did I know, this verse would help sustain me through my deepest side of grief … Leaning on the Lord and not my own understanding – though difficult, even when I didn’t and still don’t see prayers answered how I want them to be – is how I have and continue to walk forward, not just surviving but also finding JOY again here on earth!

There is a peace that cannot be explained when you know there is a God who sent His SON for each of us – that the Father is in control – and that every single decision we make, though we have free will, doesn’t change the final outcome of His final story and what He has planned.

Lord, I pray that even when our prayers aren’t answered how we want them to be and even when we can’t understand the horrific things of this life, You will bring us peace. Help us to walk forward in faith, knowing Your ways are higher than ours, You are with us, and You have a plan for our lives. In Jesus’ name, we pray. Amen.