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In the nearly 22 months since the loss of my husband and Daddy to my two children, I have been learning to lean into the power and freedom of AND. Recently a Facebook memory resurfaced, depicting my late husband dancing with our then 6-year-old daughter—OH MY HEART! This memory stole my breath away, caused my eyes to leak, AND filled me with a profound sense of love and gratitude.

Acknowledging what my daughter profoundly misses—her Daddy’s love, protection, guidance, wisdom, and a million other things—is undeniably painful. AND yet, I am simultaneously filled with gratitude and love when I think of the beautiful experiences she had during the short 14 years with her Daddy. She was deeply loved, treasured, and cherished.

“…and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”
2 Corinthians 3:17 (ESV)

Throughout my journey through widowhood, I have realized that my emotions are not confined to either/or states. It is not as simple as:

• grief OR gratitude,
• sorrow OR thankfulness,
• ashes OR beauty
• hurt OR healing
• shattered OR restoring
• brokenness OR peace

Instead of the dichotomy of either/or this journey has been one of AND.

It has completely amazed me how this heart can feel so many emotions at once and I am grateful for the freedom to feel both. Have you experienced that? Even as my heart feels broken, wounded, and bleeding, I also experience intense feelings of gratitude, joy, and peace. These emotions have gradually become comfortable companions, sometimes with grief dominating the companionship, but most often now, gratitude takes the forefront. Nevertheless, they coexist, and both are always present.

I miss Norm so very much. I miss his love, his touch, his voice, his discernment, his guidance, and a million more things. AND at the same time, I am so incredibly grateful that I have so many things to miss!! We had a beautiful marriage and family life, and he loved us well. So all the things that make this widowhood journey so hard are also the things I am so grateful for. It would be very easy to only focus on the hard, so I have to make the conscious choice to embrace the AND and acknowledge the blessings.

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
1 Thessalonians 5:18 (ESV)

This verse urges us to be thankful….while in sorrow, grief, amidst the ashes, and brokenness—in all circumstances. It does not advocate for being thankful FOR all circumstances but rather being thankful in the midst of all (challenging) circumstances. It can help balance out the hardships by acknowledging what we are thankful for.

The power and freedom of “AND” also allow us to navigate conflicting emotions when facing loss. I have heard people say, “He is in a better place, so you should be happy for him!” And while I’m sure I have said or thought those exact same words at some point, experiencing loss myself revealed to me the fallacy of such a dichotomy. We can be happy for our loved ones that they are experiencing heaven AND at the same time grieve for ourselves and what we have lost.

We can acknowledge the sadness, the difficulties, and the brokenness. Mourning, sitting in the ashes, and lamenting are not signs of lacking faith or trust, but rather integral parts of the grieving process.

Yet, it is equally important to embrace the power and freedom of “AND.”

When I received the news of my husband’s passing, my heart was shattered, crushed, and broken. The pain was unlike anything I had ever experienced… AND… I also felt gratitude that he was free from suffering, AND I was deeply thankful, knowing his eternal resting place AND I experienced a peace resting in His sovereignty.

• grief AND gratitude.
• sorrow AND thankfulness.
• ashes AND beauty
• hurt AND healing
• shattered AND restoring
• brokenness AND peace.

And then there are times I have wrestled with guilt when expressing positive outcomes from my loss. Have you ever hesitated to verbalize something good that has come from loss? But then I remember that I’ve prayed for beauty from ashes, for God to use this pain for His glory and purposes, and to be an encouragement to others who have newly joined this path of widowhood. When I let go of that guilt and fully embrace the power and freedom of “AND,” I become more expressive about what God is doing, how He is working, and how I see His fingerprints all over my life.

Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.”
Colossians 2:6-7 (ESV)

Heavenly Father, I am deeply thankful for Your unfailing love for us. Help us recognize the power and freedom of “AND.” Guide us to understand that experiencing a range of emotions is a natural part of the grief and healing journey. Encourage us to lean into You with whatever feelings we may have and trust that You will guide us through the grief and help us recognize opportunities for gratitude and thankfulness. In Jesus’ name, Amen.