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For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.
Jeremiah 29:11-14 ESV

Forty-eight weeks later, almost to the day, that my adorable husband died, I was a plane to Africa with a merry band of believers. This was my first mission trip. I know one person in this group. What was I thinking? What is God doing?

This first year without Mark has been so much harder than I could even begin to imagine. After the last five to six months of watching him fight hard to stay engaged, while cancer took much of his physical body, I didn’t think it could be harder.

Spoiler alert… it is.

Other widows reading this will know what I mean. There is a level of pain, sadness, anger, and confusion that is unique to losing your husband. Lots of “whys” bounce around out loud and in my mind. My emotions change so quickly, they surprise me.

What is this new life in front of me?

Did God intend this?

Does He know my pain?

Does He know me?

God brought Jeremiah 29 to my mind. As I reflect on, now one year plus a week after Mark’s death and all the experiences since that day, I realize I box God into my idea of plans. I thought the plans included a long life with the man that I loved from day one. How are God’s plans good, even when they completely conflict with what I expected my life to be? But what is the hope and future He talks about with Jeremiah?

There’s a still small whisper…my purpose in life did not end with Mark’s death.

Our life together was complete in God’s plan. Now as a new widow, what would that future or plan reveal about God’s mercy and love?

For me, He “shows up” quite often. I’ve learned my responsibility is to keep my eyes, ears and heart open to what He has for me. Spending several days in Africa with orphaned kids who are loved and cared for deeply, shows me His grace and love in a new way.

Does it change my view of what God can do? Oh yes it does. My prayer is that this change will stick, and be the continuation of healing as time moves on.

God’s plans include my seeing Him in a whole new way, as my Provider and Protector.

He is with me in the lonely nights, and He is with the incredible kids I met. He’s bigger than I can even imagine. He’s here, right with me.

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.
Isaiah 26:3 ESV

Lord, we ask You to be our perfect peace today as we focus our minds on You. Thank You for having a plan for our lives as we continue to live out our lives on this earth for Your glory. Amen