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My anxiety is off the charts.

It’s July.

For ten years, my heart, mind, and soul have geared up and prepared for July 17th, the day my husband, Steve, suffered a massive heart attack and went Home to be with the Lord.

I wonder if each of us carries an internal clock that remembers the season of our deepest sorrow.

This is the 10th anniversary of that day.

My ordinary, beautiful life changed forever in a single moment…

In one heartbeat, my Steve left this earth and met Jesus face-to-face.

Ten years.

I never thought I could live one day without him.

Over the last few weeks, the weight of July has settled over me.

With each passing day, the anxiety has grown. Texas summer arrived, and every outside chore became harder.

Lawn equipment is breaking down. The pool capacitor is going out –just more things to deal with alone –blatant reminders that Steve is no longer with me.

And I cried out to the Lord, “I HATE THIS! I hate widowhood. I hate this ‘single’ life without Steve.”

It was a temper fit that looked a lot like a three-year-old trying to express themselves.

And like in the very beginning of my grief journey, it became hard for me to pray or read my Bible.

Has this happened to you?

In the middle of that meltdown, I wondered how God would remind me He was still with me. Then the Lord brought Jeremiah 31:25 to mind…

“For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish.”
Jeremiah 31:25 (ESV)

And our loving Father God sent me a cardinal.

It wasn’t the first time.

Before Steve went Home, I had heard the stories of cardinals as messengers from Heaven. I have to admit, I didn’t put much stock in those stories.

My first encounter with a cardinal after Steve’s passing was while I was putting up Christmas lights by myself for the first time.

After hours of stretching out strands of lights and stapling them up, with only a few more to go, I stepped on a bulb, and every light went out.

Down to the ground I went, crying, “I just can’t do this, Lord. It is just too hard.”

Now, I wasn’t really talking about those lights but about this walk of widowhood I found myself on.

In my wailing, something caught my eye. A cardinal landed just a few feet away from me, and I stopped all that noise INSTANTLY.

I saw that cardinal differently that day.

That cardinal became a gentle reminder of God’s presence.

God knew. He knew it wasn’t all about the Christmas lights. It was my broken heart missing the one who had walked this life path with me.

As I struggle with this anxiety now, a noise at my kitchen window catches my attention as a beautiful cardinal frantically hits it over and over again.

What has drawn this bird to my window?

Since Steve passed away, cardinals have brought me the sweetest comfort.

In my concern for this bird, the cardinal didn’t bring immediate comfort. My heart had become so unsettled that I almost missed what God was showing me. I found myself wondering, Have I stopped believing He would still meet me this way?

I grabbed my phone to get a picture and went to the window.

What was that noise?

The beautiful cardinal was singing!

In the middle of the heat, the search for food and water, this cardinal was singing.

Oh, how I wished I could understand his song.

Was he singing to me?

As I listened to his song, the Lord reminded me of Job’s words…

“But ask the animals, and they will teach you,
or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you;
Job 12:7 (NIV)

His presence feels like more than just a simple visit from a bird.

If he could speak, would he remind me that God loves me, knows me better than anyone, and is with me always?

As I write this, he is at my window. Strikingly beautiful in his deep red, vibrant color – a glimpse of God’s ability to create beautiful things.

Is this beautiful cardinal reminding me, as all the others have, that God is with me and everything will be alright?

That one day, God will call me Home, and I will be reunited with Steve and all those who are waiting for me?

There is a wonderful, beautiful message this cardinal is bringing me.

Through it all, the sorrow, the struggle … HE SINGS.

Whatever his season, he sings.

And that is the most beautiful message of all.

Oh, Father God, thank You for Your message of love sent to me by this beautiful creation of Yours. Thank You, Father, for pulling me out of my despair and reminding me that You are with me always. Help us to praise Your name and give thanks for all the blessings You have given. Help us be like this beautiful cardinal…and sing! Amen