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…the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.
1 Cor 7:33-34 (ESV)

Of course I want to “be holy in body and spirit,” but I admit, I used to read those words as a widow and think to myself… “great. So while I was married, I had an excuse to think about worldly things, but now that I’m a widow, I have no excuse? I have to now be anxious about being holy?”

Let’s be real here— what widow doesn’t want to go back to worrying over how to have a happy marriage and happy kids! I had the kid thing down pat. No question– I knew the Lord’s purpose in putting me in charge of my household.

But I didn’t want to be in charge all the time. I longed for that sense of companionship I had—that “partner in crime”— someone who really “got” me—you know, like adult-to-adult. Not like the four children I felt so responsible for with no respite from the incessant tug at my soul that said: I must finish the purpose given to me as a single mom.

Some young widows I knew remarried—some with great results, some, not so good.

I haven’t found the right match for me just yet. There have been opportunities, and I found there are good men out there. But each time I thought I found that right one, a “deal-breaking” moment, usually involving me having four boys to raise, would have me feeling the Lord gently nudging me back into a walk of solitude. It used to frustrate me, but never did I stop believing that the world is full of wonderful men looking for good Christian women. The Lord encouraged me to wait and be patient.

Letting someone in…

I waited and eventually let someone I trusted into our family’s life. This would be it, I thought. Well, not so fast. While he was a good man in many ways, we found he had been hiding a deeply troubled soul that would ultimately devastate the relationship. If there is ever a reason to follow the Lord carefully, this is it. The Lord was so gracious to walk my family out of that circumstance. He gave me guidance and wisdom and enough busyness in the boys’ lives to make the situation fairly non-intrusive to their lives.

So what’s the deal, God? I’ll tell you what’s the deal – He is! He’s the real deal!

Of course when you walk through struggles in life, you do wonder why the Lord allowed it. So often the Father would comfort me and whisper in my soul: “be patient, daughter. As you walk alone, I am completing a work in you.”

Soon I saw what He meant. I found Him everywhere. Good people of His church never failed to stop and help a widow trying to make all of her decisions on her own.

He showed up in my friendships. Oh, there were some double-minded friends that simply couldn’t stay the course with a widow. It’s understandable. People have their own cares. But disappointments with them pale in comparison to the multitude of instances where Jesus showed up in the form of a woman’s shoulder to cry on, someone having just the right advice, or a group of friends my kids could lean on.

I started to realize something. I wasn’t really alone. When Jesus wasn’t sending friends and family and church members around me to comfort and help, I felt His hand on my shoulder as he allowed my lonely moments to turn my heart to Him. And in Him, I started to learn to find the comfort, even as I longed for a companion.

“How good my God is to me,” I began to say, and really mean it more and more strongly in my soul.

And now, as I still stand without a husband, I feel more confident than ever. I see other widows marry, I rejoice. It can happen! Love after kids is possible. Just look how many are finding it!

And when I see other widows who haven’t remarried, I see how God is using them so well in their single lives. Then I stop and look at who I have become. Someone more sure. Someone who thinks with more clarity and confidence. Someone who no longer seeks to find the companion to fix the problem but finds the companionship in everyone around her. Suddenly, the 1 Corinthians verses at the top make sense. By letting go of the cares of a married woman, I’m able to truly be who I am in Christ.

Getting back my joy… the joy I felt so strongly before Tom died.

Is this the restoration God wanted for me from the start? To be able to breathe with joy without a partner in crime? Does it really take that to be ready for a partner in crime? Because I no longer need it. Funny how that works!

Lord, accelerate the process of gaining confidence in You for all of my sisters. These many years of raising children have given me little time to really see how You have equipped me to be independent and happy and whole in You. I only know one other time I felt this in my life – it was before I met my husband. Lord, help these other ladies know that finding their confidence in You is their best way to be ready for You to give them that “partner in crime”! Amen.