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Nineteen months to the day later, a signature, a check for court costs, and it was over!
Yesterday officially marked the “closing” of my late husband’s estate. I say “estate” loosely. That’s the just the probate term for it, but in all honesty, it should have been cut and dried and over with long before now. But there was an attorney turnover that slowed the process down a bit.
For me, the last nineteen months have been the most drastically changed of my forty-one years. I’ve been in the deepest of valleys and sunken into pits that felt bottomless at times. My worst has been exposed, and I’ve been pleasantly surprised at my behavior at other times. I’ve watched God pour out His unending love on me through friends – both believers and unbelievers. There has been miracle after miracle in my life following my husband’s “disappearance”, suicide, and the discovery of his lifeless body.
The biggest miracle? My own healing.
And yet…a simple signature on a document to go to the courthouse, and it’s over.
Or is it?
- The deep pain is over…and yet…some recollection will trigger a flow of tears at other times.
- I’m moving forward in life…and yet…someone will mention the word “suicide”, and I’ll tense up.
- There is walking with others down their own Grief Road…and yet…there are times I still send out a text or an email asking for someone to pray me through a rough morning.
- I am witnessing God’s deep healing in my life…and yet…I’ve come to realize that grief healing does not always take the form of a one-time event. It might take a lifetime for some (for most).
My precious friend put it this way, “I prayed that with the closing of the estate there is also a closure in your heart. That our faithful Lord will seal everything He has done over the past year and a half and allow you to place it all on a box on a shelf until He wants you to use it again for His glory. Whether that is daily or occasionally is up to Him.”
I loved that! That is a beautiful picture of the VERY thing God has done and, I trust, will continue to do.
He blessed with me a deep, quick, miraculous healing. For many it doesn’t happen that way. I grieved hard, openly, and faced it head-on, not wanting to feel that type of pain forever. And the day came where I felt He sealed it all and placed it on a shelf to be opened again only at His choosing. And He does open the box occasionally to remind me of:
- what He did for me so that I can encourage others going through similar pain.
- how deep I hurt so that I can empathize with others fresh on the grief journey.
- how far He’s brought me when I feel as if His presence isn’t quite as near.
- the One that is in complete control of my life, even when it doesn’t feel that way.
So, while yesterday was the “end” of a season (paperwork speaking), it was only the beginning in the plans God has for me. And when it comes right down to it, it’s not about me anyway.
All of it–pain, joy, gladness, mourning, LIFE–it’s All for His glory!
Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness!
Psalm 115:1 (ESV)