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One of our previous team members began her widow journey as a young mom in her thirties with three young children. Erika has shared a lot on our website about how she has dealt with the suicide of her husband. But in today’s post, she shares in a very personal way, how she went through the pain of losing a second relationship during the engagement period. This wasn’t a loss to death but to listening to God as He made it clear to her this was not the best plan. Thankfully, though very painful, she listened and obeyed God.

If you have any thoughts of remarriage in the future, please listen to her story. And if you have no desire to ever remarry, please read and pray for your widow sisters who are considering remarriage. Regardless of our desires for remarriage, our main goal is to please God and point to Him as our Savior and strength.

I will restore to you the years
that the swarming locust has eaten…
Joel 2:25a (ESV)

I Said Yes

A yes to so much new. New adventures and a new home. A new state and a new church. New love and new children. And a completely new life. I said yes to a man and his two kids, believing God was using this to restore in our lives what the locusts had destroyed.

I believed I had found my “next chapter”, my “chapter two” as some widows call it. My kids would have an earthly father again and a bonus even, new siblings to love. I would have love again and a partner to go through life with.

Then I said No

But in just a few short weeks after that monumental yes, it unraveled. And I had to say no. No to this new life. To this man and to moving. No to having romantic love and being married again. No to it all.

That “no” day was insanely hard. But it was completely right!

God had made it clear in a hundred different ways through many different people and situations that this was not His will for our lives. I knew to the very core of my being I was not to do this thing. I was not to keep going forward in this direction. God was clearly closing that door. And a few short months later He even locked it.

As a New Widow

Earlier in my journey, the lonely ache ruled. I had not healed enough to find my only need was in Christ. Earlier in my journey, I’m not sure I would’ve obeyed God completely because I truly believed that remarriage was the best way God would restore us.

Obedience and Faithfulness Above All Else

Yet, even as much as I believed in remarriage as our restoration, my obedience to God in my journey trumped all else. So, I said a tear-filled no, returned the engagement ring, and gave a final goodbye.

My faithfulness to Him now comes from a deep place. A place I never knew before the locusts of suicide destroyed our lives. A place I now can completely trust Him in, which leaves no doubt when I come out of it and am called to act.

It’s been a while since that significant no moment. God has still not chosen to give me love again or a chance at remarriage.

I’ve spent time growing and reflecting instead. And I realize now that God is restoring our locust-eaten lives every single day. We wake up. Healing comes a little at a time. We laugh and love. Living and moving forward.

We are being restored in the life God has called us to because it’s not the circumstance or the people He gives or withholds from us that restores us. It’s the ONE who is doing the restoring.

God is here. He is working and growing us every day. A man and his kids won’t restore our lives, because God already has. A new family won’t fix the suffering, because Jesus already paid it all to fix us.

As I look to our future I really have no clue what’s in store, and I am no longer a hundred percent sure that remarriage will be in my future. I’ve learned though, I don’t need to know or see. Instead, I can live in the moment. Being obedient and faithful at this moment to a God whose mercies, provision, and protection have been profound in my life.

Today, I choose to live for HIM and to trust the unique restoration He is doing in and through me and my kids daily.

Father God, I thank You for Your leading in my life over these last few years. I thank You for Your provision and protection. Lord, continue to reveal Your best good for me and my kids. I lift up any sister who’s struggling right now with the new You’re calling her to. I pray You to give her perfect peace and clear direction as she looks to step into each day with You. I thank You for Your constant faithfulness to each of us. In Your matchless name, amen.