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“Thank you, Lord, for this beautiful day.”

Those were the words I spoke as I looked out the window. It was January 15, 2015. The rain and gloom had finally lifted. It was the first day of sunshine in a week, and I welcomed it. The irony in that statement … because just hours later my worst nightmare would come true – living this life without my husband Michael.

Nine years ago to the day, my nearly perfect life was turned upside down.

That’s the day my husband died by suicide and made his way to heaven. I was left on this earth without him and would have to care for our one-and-a-half-year-old son alone. I felt hopeless, as if darkness would cover me forever. I didn’t understand how this could happen to us – to him – the strong, caring, fun-loving, successful and charismatic guy everyone loved. But I’ve learned just like many physical illnesses, depression and anxiety do not discriminate.

I don’t remember much that day, or the days following, but I do remember Jesus met me there. I pulled out Michael’s devotional, “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. This excerpt was part of the devotional on January 15, which included Philippians 4:7:

“My face is shining upon you, beaming out Peace that transcends understanding. You are surrounded by a sea of problems but you are face to face with Me, your Peace. As long as you focus on Me, you are safe. If you gaze too long at the problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens. When you start to sink, simply call out, ‘Help me, Jesus!’ and I will lift you up.

“The closer you live to Me, the safer you are … Fix your eyes on Me, the One who never changes … I am always beside you…”

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:7 (NIV)

Wow, I thought. Jesus is talking to me. He sees me. Day after day, I read this devotional, and night after night the only words I could muster were “Help me, Jesus!” And he did. He came to my rescue and has been by my side through it all.

No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you … Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:5,9 (NIV)

This was the verse in the next day’s devotional. I had to be courageous; my son needed me. I leaned on Jesus when I didn’t think I could survive.

I was certain the Lord never planned for these things – My husband was just 31, and our son hadn’t even made it to his second birthday – but He allowed it so there must be more that I couldn’t see (and may never see this side of heaven). Though I couldn’t fathom why God would ever allow a husband and father to be taken so soon, I knew I had to trust Him. That’s when I surrendered to His will.

The Lord placed people in our lives who surrounded us with love and support. He gave me the courage to seek help through counseling.

The Lord’s strength helped me fight for my life – His strength put my feet on the floor every morning so I could be the mom I needed to be. His strength brought me out of the darkness. He lifted me from the ashes.

Nine years later I am in awe of how the Lord has worked in our lives. What seemed impossible has been made possible through Him. I could have never imagined the transformation, redemption, hope and joy I would find. It is a blessing, a miracle, and proof of God’s mercy and faithfulness. I still have days that knock me down and I will always, always miss Michael, but I have peace in my life, “peace that transcends understanding.” ALL BECAUSE OF JESUS. He keeps his promises.

Today I am remarried to an amazing man (Just to clarify: I didn’t find joy because I remarried; Jesus gave me His joy and healing, and then I met my husband Keith). Our son, Ty, is now 10 years old, and though he misses his dad, he knows Jesus and is thriving. So many answered prayers when it comes to him! Ty has a “dad on earth” to play sports with and pray with him, who loves him as his own son. I also have two bonus sons who have brought so much fun into our lives. I’m able to freelance write and spend time volunteering at my sons’ schools and for causes that are near to my heart. Jesus has given me a life of purpose.

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ.
Philippians 1:6 (NIV)

Lord, I pray for each of my sisters, that they may find wholeness and joy in You. We know You have a purpose and a plan for each of us, and that we are still here for a reason. Use our heartache to help others. Thank You for Your faithfulness. Amen.