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"There are times I wish I could just fast forward life. Where will it take me? Who will I marry … whose arms will I be in at the end of each day?”

This is an excerpt from my journal during my sophomore year of college. I can remember my 19-year-old self, vividly, sitting in my room in Ruston, La. … writing these words.

This life, it’s not the life I dreamed of.

But as God promises in Isaiah 61, he has made beauty from ashes.

“and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”
Isaiah 61:3 (NIV)

My husband Michael died by suicide in January 2015. I had no idea he was suffering from depression. We had a great life, but something was wrong in his mind those months leading up to his death. We had a nearly perfect marriage, so I never dreamed I would ever find love again. I knew I was blessed to have one amazing marriage – so why would I get two?

I met my current husband, Keith, just six-and-a-half months after Michael passed. My mind was so far from dating. Keith was walking his own broken road, but I could immediately tell he was a Christ-follower. I resisted anything other than a friendship but continually prayed for God’s will. Surrendering to Him is the only way we can know if we are following where He is leading, and that includes dating and remarriage.

There were times that I didn't want to continue seeing Keith – I really liked him but I was afraid of being widowed again. I remember a time when we were meeting for coffee, and I thought about turning around but a voice in my head, which I know now was God, kept telling me, “Just go. Just go, Jennifer,” and I did.

Jesus says in John 10:27,

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. My sheep know my name.”

Sometimes it can be difficult to decipher our own thoughts from the Lord speaking to us.

For me, a prompting from the Lord is a confident voice inside my head. Being so sure that it could be nothing else, but Him, it never contradicts His Word, and it's always going to be for good. Throughout my dating relationship with Keith, I would repeat this verse in my head, using it as a guide.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praise worthy – think about such things.”
Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

When I questioned what I was doing, I referred to that verse, a checklist if you will. (Later, I found out Keith did too!)

There were some who didn’t agree with my decision, those I love and were close to, and that’s tough.

Satan tries to take a foothold in our moments of vulnerability and of the many lies he has tried to convince me of, he also tried to persuade me from seeing Keith and listening to my Creator.

But all along, I stayed so close to the Lord.

Though it was extremely difficult, I came to the realization that others, those who were able to go home to their husbands and families every day, didn’t get to choose how my life and my son’s life were going to be spent. God was responsible for planning that. When we listen to the opinions of others and not to the Lord, we can miss out on all He has planned for us.

Sometimes we see those plans on this earth and sometimes we don’t, but we can be confident that we will see the greatness He has planned for us in heaven.

“I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

I continued seeing Keith and knew pretty quickly I was going to marry him. (We have been married more than nine years!) People often wonder how I can love two men. For those who haven’t experienced the horrific loss of a spouse, it can be nearly impossible to understand. I believe widowhood is a journey God doesn't plan but calls us on, and I know we are not all called to remarry, but this is how I explain it:

God made us for love.

Jesus says that of faith hope and love, the greatest is love. And when our husbands transition from this life to heaven, that love never goes away. Our hearts are made bigger, there’s an expansion, just as they would when a family has another child. Their love for their first child is not replaced or diminished when they have the second. The same goes for a remarried widow.

Our late husbands and the love we have for them can never be replaced. And because we know that loving and losing is a reality – it takes great strength and courage and a lot of leaning on the Lord to allow ourselves to fall in love again.

Keith knows I will always love Michael. But he is so confident in our marriage and what we have together, how I feel about him is never in question. It takes a special man, staying close to the Lord, to love a widow.

Though I have found joy, I will always miss Michael. Grief changes and we learn how to live again, but it never ends. I don't know if God is calling you to date or remarry or be content in waiting, but I do know this: wherever He leads, you follow.

Lord, Help us to lean on You in all circumstances. We want to do Your will, whatever that may be. Help us to listen to Your voice, follow where You lead and be content in the waiting. Thank You for Your guidance and love. Amen.