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I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart;
I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.
Psalm 9:1 (ESV)

It has been several years since the police showed up at my door to tell me my husband had been killed by a drunk driver while he was on a business trip. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday.

I remember about a month after my husband was killed, I asked to borrow a video that helps people deal with grief. I knew I couldn’t handle going to a group, but I wanted to do all the “right” things to make it through the grief process as quickly and as smoothly as I could. In the video, people were talking about how difficult the holidays were in the first year, the second year, the third year, the fourth year, and many more after that. I was shocked. Was I going to feel like this for years? Fear completely and utterly overwhelmed me at that moment.

I shut an enormous emotional door that day in order to survive. I could not bear the thought of how long and how hard the road ahead would be.

And it was so much worse than what I imagined at that moment. I had no idea the physical pain I would endure from both the shock and the mourning. The PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) almost took away my ability to drive. For six months I would experience severe chest pains similar to a heart attack for hours and hours each day.

I had no idea the emotional pain I would endure. The emotional pain caused by enduring injustice from the legal system. The man who killed my husband wasn’t even arrested for six months. Then after an eighteen-month court battle, he was only sentenced to serve six years for second-degree murder.

I also had no idea about the mental strain it would be to take on sole responsibility for the house, the cars, the finances, executing the will, etc. all while dealing with the physical and emotional pain.

But most of all, I had no idea how much I would miss my beloved husband, so many times a day, day after day, year after year.

And yet, even though it was far worse than anything I could have ever imagined, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the blessings over the last few years. I am so grateful for who God is.

I am GRATEFUL for:

• a loving God who has been there every step of the way. He has provided for every physical, mental, and emotional need. He is the answer to my every Spiritual need.
• a God who hears and answers every prayer. He is working all things together for good.
• a better understanding of how much He loves me. He willingly suffered the horrible agony of the death of His Son on the Cross so that I could have a relationship with Him.
• knowing that He is where my hope is. Nothing. No one else. Only Him. He is where my help comes from. And He is more than enough.

Dear Heavenly Father, I am so grateful for the blessing of having my faith refined, living day by day with the knowledge that You are where my help comes from. Lord, please help each of us trust in You and Your faithfulness today for our every need. Lord, our hearts break for those who do not know You personally and do not know where their help is going to come from during this incredibly painful time in their lives. Please help us be faithful in telling Your story. We pray that they would choose to believe and trust in You and You alone. Thank You for loving us and sending Your Son to die for all of us. It is in His name we pray. Amen.