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“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”
James 1:17

The first Christmas without.

Do you remember yours?

I can assure you that my first Christmas was a total cry fest. My kids were so young I couldn’t just skip it, so I just cried my way through it. I cried at every turn, over pretty much anything. I cried when I bought egg nog (my hubby’s favorite) right in the middle of the grocery store. I cried when I heard Christmas songs my husband loved to bellow out. I cried when I lugged all the Christmas bins up from the basement and decorated our tree and home all alone. I sobbed at the sight of my husband’s stocking, and in making the extremely tough decision of whether or not to hang it.

My biggest cry fest came as I was wrapping the kids’ Christmas presents, and I realized on Christmas morning I would have nothing to open, that there’d be no “big” surprise gift that only my husband could provide. Every year he’d pull something out, from somewhere he’d hidden it, to surprise me. It was sometimes a bit extravagant, something special I wanted but didn’t need, or it was something meaningful and cost very little. Either way it always brought I love you so much tears. It showed how valued and loved I was, and it was wonderful!

The presents under the tree would be a glaring reminder of my loss because there’d be no “you’re valued” gift for me.

As the day drew near, I prayed fervently that God would continue to hold me up, to remind me His love is my special gift, that the birth of His Son would remain my focus. In fact, I read and meditated on the birth of Christ, trying to make the many details vivid and tangible again. I prayed I could find comfort and peace in the joy my kids’ delight brought Christmas morning. I also prayed that He would protect me from satan’s snare of lies coming from my widow-brain about what was “wrong” with Christmas now.

I felt His presence and peace wash over me, as I resolved myself to my new reality.

Unbeknownst to me, one of my best friends went out and spent many hours finding special gift after special gift. She wrapped each with great care and left them under my tree. On Christmas morning, I found each gift so full of thought. God used my friend to distract me, to ease my pain, and to bless me. Thankful tears streamed down.

God, in a wonderful and special way, chose to remind me, that although my husband was gone and I’d never get that you’re a valued wife gift again, I was still loved and valued by others, and most importantly by Him.

Four years later, I now appreciate that morning even more. The first year was ugly, and although I appreciated the gifts and saw God’s hand, I didn’t thoroughly get it. At that time, I focused more on my friend and the gifts she gave me. Yet, He had sent me a clear and perfect message.

The greatest gift that year and every year was sending His Son, which through faith makes me a child of God.

I am bought by Christ’s blood, and because I placed my full trust, my life, and my grief in His hands, He provided for me. That year my “big” gift couldn’t be from my husband (who really did rock at gift giving), and it wasn’t from my dear thoughtful friend. It was the delayed realization that if I turn this all over fully to the Lord, He is enough and His “big” gift is exactly what I need AND want. His gift is perfect.

I still have to do the list-making, gift-purchasing, tree-picking, decorating, card-stuffing, meal-making, party-hopping alone. And sometimes things don’t get done like they used to. But I’ve been able to reflect on how far, by God’s grace and provision, I’ve come. I’ve found joy in this time of year again, and healing has occurred. Every good gift and every perfect gift IS from above!

Father God, help us as we navigate through our grief journeys this month. Thank You for never leaving us, and that Your provisions and blessings, even though they look different, are exactly what we need now. We want to find comfort in You and see Your hand vividly working to get us through each tough moment. Amen