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Be strong and courageous…for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Deut. 31:6 (NIV)

I woke early in the morning and found myself immediately thinking about the day my dear husband died. Loneliness, fears, regrets, memories all mingled into a deep sense of missing him, and my heart ached and longed to hold him once again.

The cancer diagnosis was shocking and terrifying, but treatments went well and scans halfway through showed no signs of tumors. We praised God for his goodness, finished treatments and looked forward to Rich recovering, getting his strength back and celebrating our thirty-ninth anniversary just a few months later. Then an emergency surgery burst our bubble when the surgeon told us there were too many tumors in his colon and there was nothing he could do. Exactly two weeks later, my love walked into the presence of Jesus.

My heart shattered.

I have just entered year three of this widow’s journey. The tears come less frequently and more from tender memories and longings than from deep mournful grief. Yet, I find that early mornings, in that half-awake state, is where my mind wanders into a place of chaotic thoughts and memories. I cry out to God for peace.

On this morning, I asked that He allow me to see His presence, to hear His voice, and know Him more. And in the morning stillness, as the sun began to melt the darkness of my room, a gentle whisper said,

“I am with you always, I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

I need that reminder constantly. So often, when I can’t feel God’s presence or see Him working, I begin to doubt His goodness. So, I ask that He allow me to see and feel His presence in my life. In my mind and heart, what I want is a blinding light to flash in front of me, or a miraculous provision that I can hold in my hand. Instead, He whispers in my ear tender words of assurance, He tells me of His love as I read His word, and He shows me His presence all throughout my day.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God.; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10 ESV

My widow’s brain needs constant reminding –it so easily forgets the littlest things. So I keep a spiral bound set of index cards handy. Here is where I jot down Scripture verses and other thoughts that speak to my heart. I can quickly thumb through it when I need a reminder and choose ones to memorize.

These are some of my favorites:

Let us, then, with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4:16 ESV

But this I call to mind, and therefore have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”
Lamentations 3:21-24 ESV

Lord, open our eyes to see Your presence, open our ears to hear Your voice, and help us know You more each day as You lead us and care for us with Your tender love. Amen.