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“You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.”
Psalm 63:1 (NIV)

Filling the Grand Canyon with a Bucket

I recently joined a new and exciting women’s movement. I didn’t realize how exhilarating and all-consuming it would become. I wonder if you, too, have become swept up in this craze that is enthralling millions and taking over living rooms everywhere.

This movement requires its members to collect little colored tiles, matching colorful mats, and all kinds of other cute accessories. And I don’t even mind! The feeling of those little tiles in my hand when I scream at the top of my lungs, “MAHJONG!” is so exhilarating.

I am exaggerating a bit, of course, but I do find that mahjong requires my brain to focus so completely that for a few minutes, there isn’t room for my worries.

Grief can be all-consuming, too. My husband’s absence was a presence that followed me everywhere I went. I couldn’t get away from it.

My grief counselor suggested I do something creative. I bought a laser engraver – kind of an extreme hobby to start, but nonetheless, I did.

I also found other ways to fill the hole my husband’s absence left. I read books, painted, and binge-watched TV – anything to escape the pain for a while. However, when I finished an activity, there was Ryan’s absence standing next to me, ready to follow like my shadow.

A friend invited me to a weekly Bible study, and I knew I needed to spend more time in the Word, so I agreed. It was only then that I realized how big the hole was that grief had caused. It was like the Grand Canyon, and I was trying to fill it with a bucket of water.

Thirsting for HIS Presence

I longed for my husband, who was gone, but my God was still here, right where he had always been. While reading Psalm 63, I saw my situation clearly in David’s words.

“You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.”
Psalm 63:1 (NIV)

I had been running from grief, but where was I running to? The absence in my life had to be filled, but who or what had the power to fill that massive pit? I was in a dry and parched land where there is no water.

Then in verses 4-5 I received my answer.

“I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. I will be fully satisfied as with the richest foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.”
Psalm 63:4-5 (NIV)

I had learned that putting on Christian music during the day drastically improved my state of mind. And I realized that my spirit had been thirsting for Jesus’s presence. Only HIS PRESENCE could fill the absence my husband had left. It wouldn’t erase my grief, but God’s presence is bigger than Ryan’s absence.

God gave me creative outlets because my human nature needed physical time to process my circumstances, but those hobbies and escapes were only temporary band-aids. Only through spending time with Jesus would I truly begin to heal and feel peace.

I Need Jesus, Not Amazon

I still must remind myself of this, even years later. In the last few months, I’ve realized that nighttime is still a trouble spot for me. I guess that is when I feel Ryan’s absence the most. I have developed a habit of late-night shopping. It’s never anything major. Usually, it is something from Amazon or a purchase for my business. But last week, we received a pair of shoes that I didn’t remember buying. Thankfully, they were cute and my size. However, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me that this might actually be a problem. What was I trying to fill that nighttime loneliness with?

Once again, I realized I have been trying to fill that hole with a bucket of water. As I reread Psalm 63 for this devotional, I noticed something farther down the page.

“On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night…I cling to you; your right hand upholds me.”
Psalm 63:6,8 (NIV)

So, even five years later, I still need to be reminded to focus on the only one who can fill the hole. I cling to my Jesus, and His right hand upholds me.

I will also turn my phone off at night. I need Jesus, not Amazon.

Maybe that is part of what I enjoy about Mahjong, too. It gives me connection, laughter, and a place for my mind to rest a while. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but when I leave the mahjong table, I don’t want to expect those pretty tiles to fill what only Jesus can satisfy.

If you find yourself staring at a Grand Canyon, trying to fill it with a bucket, remember that Jesus is the only one powerful enough to set free the floods of Living Water to fill your soul. Focus on Him in all you do, and He will satisfy you as with the richest of foods.

Prayer

Dear Jesus, reveal the temporary things we use to escape our grief. Help us to remember that only You can fill our loved one’s absence and satisfy our thirst. Renew our minds and spirits as we seek Your presence. Amen