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“He must increase, but I must decrease.”
John 3:30 ESV

My husband’s death was classified as a non-line of duty death.

And to add insult to injury, it was said to be “dishonorable”.

Suicide tends to be viewed that way!

The words that are used cut deep.

Selfish

Weak

Dishonorable

Coward

Lost

Choice

Those are all words I’ve heard. Many times over.

They might even have crept into my mind, at times, when this became too hard. When the pain was so deep. The missing so vast. The resent palpable.

It’s easy to go there. Suicide means the person wanted to die right? They chose it?

During our two year journey leading up to Scott’s death, we saw numerous doctors and tried many avenues of treatment. We were relentless in trying to find a “cure”. Because honestly, that’s what it was going to take. Scott’s brain was betraying him by becoming diseased and his doctors, the treatment plan, and his work support were failing him. He wanted a cure as badly as anyone else who gets the bad news that he has a long term, debilitating, life altering, life-threatening illness.

But nothing worked; he just kept getting worse and worse. As a police officer with a weapon at his side, our very worst fear came true that horrific day.

I’ve had many people in our world make me feel less. Early on I allowed the shame to get the better of me.

I wanted a different story. I wanted an “honorable” one!

I watched other police officers who died a hero’s death receive such honor and glory. Their names go on a wall in Washington, they are memorialized, and the brotherhood of police speak highly of them for years to come. Scott was soon forgotten by many and dismissed by others. There’s no post each year in the State Police on his end of watch, no overt recognition of Scott’s contributions, service and dedication to the job he loved.

A job he loved SO MUCH,

that he died trying to keep it…

By doing and taking anything asked of him, even when it was making him deteriorate rapidly, harming instead of helping.

These realities stung for a quite awhile for me early on, and gave the enemy a foothold in my life. It was hard not to resent others and be bitter. My husband died while trying to get well. But all anyone outside of this saw was… my husband “chose” to die.

I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt suicide is never a choice. Suicide goes against every natural defense our great God gave us. The whole fight or flight brain make-up. Once that instinct is lost, once someone gets so deep into this vastly misunderstood and brutal disease, it’s hard to know what’s what anymore. Scott often said he felt like his brain was betraying him and he could no longer use the things and parts he knew well, to stop it.

Scott’s end was tragic and horrific.

But,

Of course there is a but…

Now I realize that God gave me this “dishonorable” story for His greater honor.

You see, I now know if Scott died in a different manner he would’ve become more and God would’ve been less in so many ways. Scott would be the greater focus and not God. When I was stripped of even my pride in how Scott died, that’s where God met me. That’s where He said, “Watch Me use this for My greater glory. Watch Me use that man of yours and his horrific story to touch lives for My Kingdom.”

Understanding today more fully how He would use Scott’s story, I realize that if I truly trust God then I can trust His plan for me too. Even if that plan is a death that’s “dishonorable” in the world’s eyes. Because in Him I find perfect honor.

So, on this the sixth anniversary of Scott’s Heaven day, I say thank You! Thank You, God, for the dishonorable honor of my story, and for being bigger and more in this story than anything or anyone else. Thank you for making us decrease, so You could increase.

God is more and we are less, for that I am grateful!

Father God, helps us to embrace our story. Even if it’s not honorable. Help us to desire for You to be much more and us to be much less. Help us to humble ourselves before You and submit to Your authority in this tough journey. Help us to remember that You alone deserve the honor and glory. In Your matchless name, Amen.