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“It’s hard to believe that it has been 2 months since Vic passed. And while it seems like just yesterday, it also seems like an eternity. My emotions continue to creep up on me, understandably so. Some days I think I have cried all the tears I am going to cry and my heart is not going to ache anymore; then out of the blue the tears come again. Sometimes there is just a small flow and other times they are like a gushing river breaking through a dam. Sometimes it’s just a numbness that makes me wonder if I will ever feel anything again. Amidst all the emotions, I cry out to God, and He is always faithful to dry the tears and soothe the heart ache. He is my Rock; my steadfast, strong tower and I will continue to run to Him because in Him there is true peace.”

I was always transparent about my grief journey on my Facebook page. The above paragraph gives you a look at one such post as I was struggling with the freshness of my loss. As I often did on nights like those I opened my Bible and turned to the Psalms.

I read Psalm 116:1-7 and felt like I was having a conversation with God as if He was sitting at a table across from me.

“The cords of death entangled me,”

Lord, this is how I feel since becoming a widow…entangled in a snare of pain so deep that makes it hard to breathe and I’m struggling to free myself.

“The anguish of the grave came over me; I was overcome by distress and sorrow”

Lord, I am weakened by my sorrow and I have no energy to fight the overwhelming power of grief that comes like a thief in the night with no notice or permission to enter. Sometimes it’s like a tidal wave crashing over me, throwing me to the ocean floor thrashing to regain my footing.

“Then I called on the name of the Lord: O Lord, save me!”

This night, like many other nights, all I could do was cry out to the Lord!

Lord, help me through this shadowed valley. It is so dark and I’m wondering if light will ever find its way to my heart.

“The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the unwary; when I was brought low, he saved me.”

In my brokenness, God reminded me of who He is; gracious, righteous, full of compassion, my protector and the one who rescues me.

There was comfort in knowing that God cared about me. He knew my pain and even understood it. He was a safe place to pour out my heart.

“Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.”

I felt peace come over me as if I heard my Father say: “Go to sleep, child. I’m here and I always have been. Remember all the times you fell and I was there to pick you up. You have nothing to worry about.”

I went to bed that evening knowing God had just spoken to me through His word.

I closed my eyes with the peace and assurance that I was not walking alone. He was with me that night and He always would be.

I have come to look fondly on those hard nights because of the intense closeness I felt with the Lord. I pray, dear sisters, that you have found that same bond with Him for He longs to wrap His arms around you and hold you close.

You need only to call on His name!