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So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

When my husband and I were dating, we enjoyed spending many hours listening to records. One of our favorites was sung by Brenda Lee, – All Alone Am I.

Wow, what a vivid way to describe how I feel!

As I continue to travel this “journey” of widowhood, I get very frustrated because I still feel so lonely! It has been 30 months since my husband was called to his home in heaven- you would think I would be “over it” by now – but I am not! I miss him more now than ever before.

Yes, I keep busy. I am so blessed to have wonderful friends who are also on this journey and I can even laugh with them and have a good time, but the “hole in my heart” and the lonely feeling in the pit of my stomach does not go away!

When you spend almost three-fourths of your life with someone you love and depend on for everything you do, it is a life-changing experience to suddenly have that person snatched away from you.

My husband and I were literally together twenty-four/seven.

In addition to being married and raising our family, we worked together for over 40 years. He was there for everything – even to help manage my diabetes. I rarely took my insulin without first checking with him about the dosage.

Just like the caboose is the last car on a train and the engine provides the momentum for the caboose to move, I depended on my husband to create the momentum. Even through the tough times, together, we made a great pair!

Some of my friends have hinted that maybe I should be open to another relationship, but I am being very honest when I tell you I have no desire to think of anyone else. I only wish I could have my husband back.

Sisters, as you may have already guessed, I miss my husband so much, but the reality is, he is not coming back!

In our years together, we faced some tough stuff but we had each other. There was always the “hope” that things would work out and get better – this time I know I will not see him again this side of heaven.

Isaiah 55:8-9 in the Living Bible says,

“This plan of mine is not what you would work out, neither are my thoughts the same as yours! For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than yours, and my thoughts than yours.”

Just another confirmation that I should not doubt He knows what is best for me!!

I do not have the answers to get rid of the loneliness, but I know that God does. I know He will continue to walk this journey with me. He has already done so much to get me this far. The wisdom and finances to make two moves in my first year of widowhood; a “safe” place for me to live with a staff of people to help if I need them; an excellent team of new doctors; an insulin pump to help control my diabetes; the courage to do things I did not think I could do again (like driving) and many more.

It is a daily struggle between what I know and what I feel.

I know His promise to me in Isaiah 41:10 is true, yet the loneliness remains. Perhaps it always will. I will continue to trust in my loving God who assures me that His ways are not my ways, and His plan for my life is what is best for me.

Dear Father, I am lonely – but You know that. You know the plans You have for me, and I know they are good ones. Help me accept this loneliness I feel as I continue to trust You and lean on Your everlasting arms. Amen