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“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.”
Galatians 2:20 (ESV)

I remember completing my third year as a widow. I looked around at that beautiful home Tom and I had purchased six years earlier. It hit me. My time in North Carolina had been spent more as a single mom than with Tom.

How could that be? It seemed only yesterday he was here! Memories of life with Tom fills most of that space in my heart called “living in North Carolina”.

But I found that around year three into widowhood, new memories of life without him seemed to take more room in my brain than memories of life with him. It wasn’t like I was forgetting Tom. No. His memory was so vivid I could still imagine him walking through the front door. It was simply that life moved forward and I had to keep hitting the play button rather than the rewind button.

Something else happened as life went further. I started shedding the need to tell people I was widowed. I saw this as positive, and it happened in steps:

Step 1-Fresh loss-In the first year I never needed to tell anyone. Everyone was shocked and came out to love on the boys and me.

Step 2-Not the newest news–In the second year my loss was no longer the newest news. Still I felt compelled to tell every new acquaintance about Tom. I didn’t want folks to forget only half of me was here. Once I realized I simply wanted him remembered, I found more meaningful ways to memorialize him without having to carry a sort of sign on me saying “Remember Tom!” I wrote about him and shared stories and photos with family.

Step 3-No more announcements–For a little while I continued to tell people. Perhaps I felt a little guilty for moving forward without him. Time heals wounds, and with the grace of God, I finally felt released from having to tell people I’m a widow.

Time alone does miracles on your soul. God uses it to carve out every bit of pride. He knows what a great husband he was.

I don’t need to hold up a banner. I just let people learn about Tom as the subject arises. Volunteering the loss of my husband invites sympathy at moments when I’m really not looking for it.

I’m glad people are compassionate, and I love when they share stories of God’s grace in difficult situations. But I use His Grace, not my loss, as a signature. I’d rather others notice how God completes me by helping me manage my household and future wisely. I’d rather them see my faith and be surprised at what I’d been through. That surprise is my signature of God’s Grace.

When a few new acquaintances joined me for a homeschooling event, they started the normal conversations about husbands. One woman asked, “does he take the boys fishing?” “Let’s get the husbands involved in this project,” another said.

This time I felt differently. I didn’t feel the need to make any announcement about Tom to them. Instead, I found myself just letting them know in a relaxed kind of a way. “Oh, I wish I could include Tom. You probably don’t know yet, but we lost him a few years ago.”

It doesn’t matter how you present it. There will always be ladies who respond with, “Oh…” and try to turn the conversation into a grief support moment. Sometimes I would find myself trying to diffuse that reaction. I’d pat them on the shoulder to reassure them that it’s totally okay for them to speak of my husband and my situation.

One woman responded with admiration, telling me I’m doing great. Of course, I assured her the same way that many widows do. We give credit to God. “…it isn’t me…if I did it alone, I’d mess it all up.”

But it was the other lady that surprised me. She just nodded without batting an eye. On first glance, you might think I was offended. You might wonder if she cared. She did. She was simply recognizing that I was not toppled by my loss, so she didn’t react strongly.

Somehow, what could have felt uncaring was a relief to me. For the first time since Tom had passed, I finally told someone about my widowhood without that topic becoming conversation stopper.

For the first time, I no longer felt like Kit the Widow or Kit the Survivor. I was simply me, a testimony to God’s Grace and Power.

Lord, please move in these women and put Your identity into their signature. Help them demonstrate their testimony to Your Grace through their walk. Amen.