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..for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let you down (relax my hold on you)! [Assuredly not!]
Hebrews 13:5b (Amplified Translation)

There have been times when I’ve said, “I don’t know where to begin.”

That statement is more true now than it’s ever been. April 22nd started off being a great day. My husband Eric and I had a “lunch date” that day where we laughed, talked, and gazed into each others’ eyes. Small moments that would normally be a blur of a memory are vivid details in my mind, like what we had for dinner later that evening: Chicken Alfredo with steamed broccoli. We laughed some more and played with our new baby: 5-month old Caleb. Its funny how one chapter can make an entire story just change…

Eric wanted to go play basketball that day for his workout. Ever since we’d met in college, Eric had been the healthiest person I knew. He never missed his workouts! So when I got a call about 45 minutes after he left saying that he’d been rushed to the hospital, I was surprised at how calm I was. I thought that maybe he’d been slightly injured while playing.

More vivid details rush to my mind, like the nurse named Sandy with dark brown hair who already had tears in her eyes when baby Caleb and I walked in. She said, “I’m sorry Mrs. Marshall, but he didn’t make it.”

I honestly thought, “Oh, he didn’t make it here yet; how could I have gotten here before him? That doesn’t make any sense.” I didn’t get what she was really trying to tell me.

An entire week would pass before I “got it”.

It wasn’t the doctor’s description of why a healthy 24-year-old would suffer a massive heart attack. Not hearing my mother-in-law’s wails that helped me figure it all out. It wasn’t even seeing Eric’s unresponsive body in the casket at the funeral that settled it for me.

Instead it was the phone call from the organ donor association wanting to thank me for agreeing to donate Eric’s organs that jolted me from my numb state back to reality. When the woman over the phone said they were also able to use his eyes, the levee of tears finally broke. His big brown eyes were the first thing I noticed about him when we first met.

That’s when I finally realized that my husband and best friend was never coming home again.

Hebrews 13:5 is a verse that I’ve read maybe a million times. In the NIV Translation it simply says, “…God will never leave us or forsake us.” I certainly felt very left behind and forsaken. A brand new baby, only 24 years old, a brand new home—how was I going to manage? God’s promise of never leaving me alone just wasn’t sinking in.

Yet even in the midst of our greatest pains and darkest moments, God IS still there. He hears us, sees us and even feels our pain. Earlier in Hebrews (chapter 4, verse 15) it says that our High Priest—Jesus Christ—is able to sympathize with us in our weaknesses. But the day I came across Hebrews 13:5 in the Amplified Bible, I knew that although my heart had been shattered into a million pieces, somehow I would make it with God’s strength.

When the days seem darkest, God will be my light.

When the load seems heaviest, God will be my strength.

When I feel afraid and alone, God will be my protector and companion.

He is a defender of widows and a father to the fatherless. (Psalm 68:5) I am not alone. Neither are you. We may not be able to understand why our Loving Savior would require us to walk such a difficult path, but He still asks us to trust Him.

Heavenly Father,
There are times when life just feels lonely. As widows, we feel abandoned and alone. Thank You for Your promise that we are not alone. Help us to be aware of Your presence with us even when it seems we’ve been left behind. Amen