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“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:31-32 (ESV)

A widely spoken rule of thumb says most widows lose 75% of the friendships they had before their loss.

No one can tell me where this statistic comes from, but it seems to be out there, everywhere! And when I lost Tom, I thought, no way—after all, in that first year, there was so much attention on me that I wanted to hide under a rock—seemed like everyone wanted to help me in my grief.

But gradually, through the hard road of walking alone, a year, or years out, I started to see that statistic coming true—ouch.

So with many years of widowhood behind me, I wanted to talk to you about removing any seeds of bitterness that might sprout when you notice that some of your friends might scatter.

More specifically, I want to share with you one tip:

Don’t always assume people say or do things (or forget to say or do things) because they are rejecting you. Try this…. List three possible reasons the person did what they did which have absolutely nothing to do with you and then simply choose one of those and decide to believe it!

“What if I’m wrong?” You might ask. “What if it’s IS something personal?”

Here’s a truth: If you can’t think of what you’ve done to hurt her, and she won’t tell you, don’t blame yourself. Many times people are mad for unfounded reasons. Many times it’s their own insecurities or shame at the root of their behavior, and they are just choosing to repin it on someone else. What good does it do for you to unearth all of that?

Think of the power in that! Okay, so your friend didn’t call you in your time of need. After searching yourself and owning up to your part, try some of these on for size—warning, some of these aren’t necessarily excusing her actions—some reflect shallowness on her part—that isn’t the point. We are all sinners, and we cannot control that even your friends are all sinners and may simply not be up for the job during this season:

• She is going through something overwhelming in her life that she doesn’t want to burden you with.
• She’s feeling so awful about what you’re going through and doesn’t have the emotional strength to walk with you through it—she’s terrified and can’t bear to delve into the depths with you. She feels awful about her weakness but nevertheless, it is what it is, and she can’t bring herself to repair it and walk with you at the same time. It’s just too much.
• She doesn’t want you to see her cry.
• She’s secretly feels a little to blame for your situation.
• Your situation reminds her of a painful part of her past she hasn’t grappled with yet.
• She is scared to death what happened to you could happen to her, and seeing you makes her think about that–it’s just too scary.
• She knows her strengths are in other areas and she’s not suited for the job of lifting you through this valley.
• She’s perhaps not really about helping you. Until this tragedy happened, you provided something for her that she just isn’t able to get from your current situation. So she’s not going to invest.
• She doesn’t know what to say or do around you.
• She’s afraid everything she says and does will remind you of your loss.
• She thinks you might be uncomfortable in the old circles of friends. So she’s assuming you’d rather not be invited.

Even if some of the reasons may not flatter your friend, the truth is, none of these have anything to do with anything you have said and done wrong. That’s what’s helpful about deciding what might fit. Naturally checking in with them helps, but there are times when a friend might be too uncomfortable to discuss these with you.

Lord Father, Please give my sisters Your confidence in this season. Help her feel loved and whole in Your image. Please also give her a dose of Your mercy and enable her to forgive her sisters who have caused her pain. Help her love You by loving them. Amen.