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As I sat in Panera’s, where I went to have a good internet connection so I could change my email password that had been hacked, I scrolled through my emails. Amongst all the junk and spam were some devotions from the grief and widow groups I subscribed to. One, in particular, spoke to me that afternoon. Ironically, it was a devotion from A Widows Might written by Erika Graham entitled Joy & Loss. (You can read it here)

As I read the devotion, her words spoke to me. Like Erika, I felt I had turned a corner… there was no longer the intense grief…oh it still hurt at times, like that morning when I heard two of Vic’s favorite songs that were sung at his service. But it hurt in a different way. I am always relieved when the pain shows up because it reminds me that I haven’t forgotten him; I haven’t moved on so much that his memory doesn’t evoke the feeling of loss again. The lack of intensity shows me that healing is taking place.

Joy and pain can co-exist

Amidst the grief, there can be moments of joy. Erika wrote about this very thing. But to be honest, sometimes I felt guilty for experiencing joy. I knew I shouldn’t because Vic would never want me to stop living and enjoying this life. Sometimes I worried what other people would think…am I moving on too fast? But I knew I couldn’t worry about other people’s opinions. My grief is MY grief and the speed at which I worked through this is not for them to determine and it definitely is not a measure of my love and devotion to Vic. What I believe God wanted me to receive from Erika’s devotion and scripture was that He was working in my life to bring back the joy and I needed to take hold of it.

Choosing to Live

I am the one God chose to leave behind and that told me I had a purpose and it started with choosing to live this life. At the time I wasn’t sure what that looked like but I knew I HAD to do it. I thought of all the hard times that would be mingled with joy…Sweet 16 parties, graduations, weddings, and births. All of these moments when I would wish Vic was here and I would think to myself, “Vic would have loved to see this” or “Vic would have loved to be here” or “This would have made Vic so happy”…I would have to remember that I am here and I am privileged to be a witness to these events and it would be ok to feel the joy in those moments.

Fast forward to now and, yes, joy and loss definitely collided on those days. I’m not going to lie; I shed some tears. But God met me in those moments and reminded me to enjoy them. It’s like his message to me was … “I know how much your heart hurts right now, how much you miss Vic so here is something to make you smile and laugh again. Enjoy it!”

You turned my loud crying into dancing.
You removed my clothes of sadness and dressed me with joy.
So my heart will sing your praises. I can’t keep silent.
Lord, my God, I will praise you forever.
Psalm 30:11 (NIRV)

Those moments in our lives when joy collides with pain are a gift from God…an opportunity to walk outside the grief and walk into joy. It’s a reminder of how much God loves us and a reason to praise Him!

One last thought I want to leave you with … never underestimate the power of your story! Just as God used Erika’s devotion that afternoon to speak to me in my pain, your story can speak into someone else’s pain as well. Don’t be afraid to share it!

Lord, teach us how to live in such a way that we don’t miss the joy You have set before us because we are more focused on the pain. Send Your gift of joy into our world and give us eyes to see it, a heart that feels it, and a will to allow it to invade our pain. Amen