{{item.title | uppercase}}

“The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Deuteronomy 31:8 (NIV)

Fear came to stay.

At the very sudden death of my husband, life changed for me – and fear came to stay. For me, fear just was an emotion that became lost in a ‘crowd’ of emotions, simply waiting to rear its ugly head.

Alone.

How could I ever live without my husband? There was the land we live on that takes continual mowing and upkeep in the Texas heat, with the occasional hard winter to prepare for.

Marrying at 18, I had never lived alone. Very quickly I realized just how much I depended on Steve over the forty-four years we were married.

I have now learned how to mow and edge and have even learned how to operate his beloved tractor. Though there are times I struggle, my dependence has turned to the Lord Himself as He goes before me, knowing He is always with me.

But I’m amazed at how quickly fear can completely overwhelm me.

The phone rang one morning. My daughter-in-law’s voice sent me into instant panic. How was my son, our son, in the ICU! The doctors confirmed he was struggling with an allergic reaction to an antibiotic for a simple sinus infection. Doctors called it “a perfect storm” caused by two medications. His condition quickly deteriorated.

Crippling fear.

Having never really driven any distance alone, I got into my husband’s truck, now mine, and began the 16-hour drive to St. Louis.

Sitting in the ICU waiting room, around the clock for days, I waited with other families for those precious updates and opportunities to see our loved ones. Time passed so slowly as we watched darkness fall on the city outside of the walls of that hospital each day.

Twice, I dragged my cell phone from my purse to call Steve and tell him how afraid I was for Brandon before remembering I couldn’t talk to him. It’s hard to to believe even after so many years, my first thought in times of trouble is to call Steve.

After ten days in ICU, Brandon began to improve to the amazement of his doctors. We were comforted through the prayers of family and friends praying for us. But we also prayed for God to help us not be afraid, and to trust Him no matter what the outcome was. As widows, we know how quickly the outcomes can be completely the opposite of what we hoped.

Evidence of our God.

During the time of Brandon’s hospitalization, I drove alone, flew round-trip alone back home for a day, then finally drove back home again when Brandon’s condition improved.

Just close to crossing the Texas border, I whispered a prayer of thankfulness to the Lord. Looking up, I said, “I’m almost home, now. I never thought I could do it, but I’m almost home.” A half-used bottle of Steve’s cologne sits in the side pocket of his truck as it has since he passed away. As I said, “Amen”, I got the most wonderful whiff of his favorite cologne. It was like confirmation that God had been beside me the entire time, similar to a husband. Many widows like to cling to the verse in Isaiah as we live this life without our husbands by our sides.

“For your Maker is your husband—
the Lord Almighty is His name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;”
Isaiah 54:5a (NIV)

God seeks me out.

He finds pleasure in my progress, my trust in Him. I am His own, created for His pleasure. It is His desire to walk with me, and I will never walk alone.

My sisters, in this season, may we cry out our thanksgiving to our Lord even in the midst of our tears. May we remember that we NEVER walk alone. He is with us always and will NEVER forsake us.

“When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you.”
Isaiah 43:2a (NIV)

Dear Father God, we pray for a daily heart of thankfulness. May we find You, Father, in the middle of our fear and rest in the truth that we will never walk alone. In Your Name, we pray, Amen.