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Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you.
Psalm 51:10-12 NLT

I must admit that after Daryl died, my husband of twelve years, I struggled at times with “joy” and feeling God’s presence. I KNEW that God had not abandoned me but the blanket of grief I wore caused me to feel less than treasured, less than chosen, less than loved by my Heavenly Father.

Many days, I simply felt less than; less than myself, less than people around me, less than I had been, less than I wanted to be. I was missing half of myself and, by my own admission, he was the better half. Daryl was the one who was patient and kind, quick to listen and slow to anger; he was the one who grounded me with his rock-steady way of living life, loving people, and being an example of Christ and servanthood. He was older and wiser. He was a picture of stability and I, well I, was a mess.

Sometimes I even found it hard to pray. I had SO MANY questions that seemed to have no answers.

What was God’s purpose in all of this?

Why?

I knew that the Holy Spirit would cry out for me when I could not do it for myself, according to Romans 8:26 ESV,

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

Some days all I could pray was, “Jesus”, but slowly I began to pray for “joy” - the joy of the Lord. Not the happiness of the world that centers around things, but “joy” that comes from being so interwoven with God’s spirit that you can hear His whisper in your ear. The kind of “joy” that leaves you speechless and in awe of a Father who adores His precious children; that’s the “joy” I prayed for and my perspective began to change.

I had to move past the question, “Why” to “Now What.”

I learned that “Why” requires a response from God that I may never get, but “Now What”, that requires a response from me.

I don’t have to like it but I do have to MOVE and be obedient to what God asks me to do. So, “Now What” has become my question. I have been surprised at how the change of question has brought me to obedience and fullness of “joy”.

My perspective changed because my question changed.

Lord, Help us to cling to You more than ever before and to lean in and lean on Your Word. Give us the right question to help us move forward down the path You have chosen for us, trusting that You are with us. Help us to focus our eyes on You. Amen.