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For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 (NLT)

My life without my husband has felt like some strange emotional tug of war with myself! Some days I feel pulled by my memories of our past life together, recalling the moments I treasured and remembering all those tiny details that went into making our life together special. I’m suddenly wrestling with my desire to move forward with God beyond what my life held as Brad’s wife.

Today I gave in to just soaking in my past memories. After a little while (and a few tears too) I knew I needed to move on–but I hated the thought of letting go again of the plans Brad and I shared for the future that was never ours to have.

I was feeling as though I had taken three steps forward in my “new life” and now suddenly feeling I just took two giant steps back. Jesus only allowed me to sit alone in my pity party of one for a brief while before sitting down beside me and helping me recall some of the lessons of His love these past years.

As difficult and painful as the process has been for me since Brad’s death, I’ve learned through my loss to look inside my heart to find the things that keep me from placing my complete trust and love in God.

Where I once had looked to Brad as my main source for a lifetime of love and security, it is in Jesus that I find the One true source that will always meet every (tangible and intangible) need my life yearns for.

I discovered that God alone remains faithful in providing me with His abundant provisions of love and security for every day and every need.

In fact, through studying His Word and in prayer, the Lord has given me eyes to see beyond my own needs. He even gives me glimpses of this world through His eyes so that I may know His heart more fully, responding to the needs of others with love and compassion. Although I still have those days and nights that I long for what I once had with Brad, I know that there will be a day when the weight of this world will be replaced with the glorious weight of Heaven!

I just have to share this one experience with you:

After Brad died (and for months afterwards) I cried out many times to God that Brad’s long days and hours of dying were too painful. The memory I held of my precious husband being so tormented were more than I could bear. I wanted to “trust” God with how Brad died, but I struggled with the “why” it had to be “this way.” Brad loved Jesus wholeheartedly. Everyone who knew Brad, knew he had a heart for Christ. “Why, Lord, would You allow him to suffer so greatly in death?”

And then one morning as I lay in bed awake–once again crying for comfort from these tormenting thoughts– God blessed me with the most beautiful answer I would never have imagined seeing and hearing with my heart. He showed me a glimpse of the glory of heaven!

You see, no matter the trials and heartache this life brings, the moment, the very moment, we exhale our last breath in this life and inhale our first breath of Heaven, all the pains and all the heartaches, every trial and trouble are washed away into the glory and beauty of our Lord’s presence and our eternal home in Heaven!

What a gift, what amazing love God poured over my grieving heart on that morning. Finally I found the peace I had been looking for concerning Brad’s last days and hours. I no longer ask God “Why?” or cried for Him to “explain.” I still shed some tears in missing Brad, and I still don’t know “why?” But that question of “why?” no longer holds my attention or torments my heart. For I have a better answer than a reason could provide: It is for the joy of what is coming–the promise of one day I will be in heaven worshiping my Savior. One day, I will actually be walking along side of Jesus and we will be talking and laughing together.

The promised weight of glory lifts off my heart all the weight of pain this world can ever give.