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Shaken, trying to comprehend what had just transpired, I exited the now-damaged borrowed car I had driven into town.

I rehearsed the incident. First, came the yield sign, where I had waited to enter the traffic circle. Next, glancing into the car’s rearview mirror came the awareness of a fast-approaching tractor-trailer truck. Then—came the damaging crunch—truck meeting car. Thankfully, as the vehicle thrust forward, I managed to steer it off the road.

Walking around it, assessing its external damages, I cried. “Why did God permit this to happen—another accident—when I’m still raw from the one that took John’s life three weeks ago? Where’s God at this moment? —the One who promises, “I will never leave you or forsake you.”” Hebrews 13:5 (NKJ)

The fatal car-crash of three weeks prior had instantly totaled our car—and turned me into a widow. John, my husband had been the driver. In the weeks since the accident, I remained desperately afraid of riding in a car or driving one. Yet, urgent estate-matters had dictated I make the trip to town; ultimately it confirmed my fears.

I heard the trucker approaching, booming, “LADY, WHAT WERE YOU DOING?”

He was blaming me!

Immediately, I hailed a nearby policeman. Unfortunately, he hadn’t witnessed the accident. I pointed to the yield sign to justify my actions. The trucker disagreed, fabricating a lie, “Officer, she started forward and then suddenly stopped…”

The frustrated, disinterested policeman walked off, leaving Trucker and me to our arguing. He refused to admit error. I, involved in a war over my husband’s life insurance policy, didn’t want an additional battle to fight. I conceded. Trucker won. His driving-record untouched by the incident. I would pay out-of-pocket to get the loaner fixed.

All the way home, I wept a redundant thought. “Is this how the life of a widow goes—one trouble after another?” Job’s words, “I expected good but evil showed up” Job 30:24 (MSG) perfectly expressed my sentiments that day.

That incident with the trucker, following so closely the auto accident that took John’s life, seemed a final straw, breaking me, shattering my faith, forever altering its landscape. The One I had called Friend, the God who through the years had faithfully proved trustworthy, the Divine Being that had always shown up in my hours of need, now appeared gone, leaving me to fate.

I hid from others the God-doubts and questions simmering within me. I wasn’t used to wearing the shoes of a skeptic. I felt guilty, a condemned heretic for harboring thoughts contrary to what I had been taught to expect of God. My religious upbringing had discouraged asking hard questions regarding the Divine—and yet—here I was angry with God, full of questions.

It took time but slowly I came to understand what CS Lewis notes in his book A Grief Observed. Lewis explains that grief acquaints us with God the “great iconoclast,” the “smasher of holy images.” He was referring to the beliefs we adopt as our own personal God-perceptions—the many God-photos we carry in our spiritual wallet that support our faith—only to discover through a faith-testing experience, our concepts of “who God is,” are often riddled with false assumptions based on how we expected God to respond.

Faith shattering, I’ve discovered, as did the disciples in the midst of battling a storm at sea—Jesus absent—asleep below-deck, (see Mark 4:35-40) proves a divine happening; a fresh unveiling of God, leaving us awed, our faith enlarged, and our spirits blessed with a deeper understanding of God: the Divine Presence who stays ever-true to His promise—”I will never leave you or forsake you.”

Father, let us see that our questions and doubts are not a sign of Your absence, but of Your never-failing presence with us, inviting us to seek You anew, and in that seeking, to discover a richer faith and a deeper union with You. Amen