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“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.”
Psalm 139:13 ESV

Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say.

Life is complicated and messy. I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to think straight again, 100% straight. I was recently asked, “Do you know what…?” It was meant in a very general way, yet it struck me so profoundly. My response was, “I know many things and yet I know nothing at all.” It seems the longer I travel this journey of life, the more truth there is for me in that sentence.

I am not uneducated, nor am I lacking mental prowess, yet there is very little that I truly KNOW.

When I was first widowed, I knew I had to write about my journey. I knew it would help me grieve. I didn’t know that season might come to an end or that God would ask me to write about things other than grief.

When I was first widowed, I believed I would never consider remarrying. The thought of dating repulsed me. I didn’t know that would all change with one random text and one strong man who made me feel alive again. I didn’t see that coming and I certainly didn’t see it ending, but it did. I’m still not sure I know what really happened, maybe I was just not ready to date yet and went way too far too fast. I don’t know; life is complicated and messy and dating at this age is a “whole nother level” of COMPLICATED AND MESSY.

When I was first widowed, I thought I would never be whole again, never mend. I was broken into a million pieces, like an icicle shattering on concrete, and I had no desire to go on; none. I didn’t KNOW the God, who formed me and shaped me in my mothers womb, would gather my shattered, broken, wounded spirit and hold me so closely all I could do was breathe Him in until He helped me learn to breathe on my own again.

When I was first widowed, I considered death and grief to be all I was facing. I didn’t know death and grief have companions; loneliness, doubt, secondary loss, anger, guilt, unworthiness, fear, financial strain, lack of identity, incompleteness, and abandonment, just to name a few.

When I was first widowed…… was almost five years ago.

So now what? What of today and tomorrow?

Now I know it’s time to write about all kinds of things. It’s time for my journey into articles, blogs and books to cover many topics and audiences. It’s time for my writing to morph into what God has next for me in this crazy life.

Now I believe it is not only time to try dating again, but to become part of a forever family. A family God has pressed me to pray for almost every single day for the last fourteen months. I now know I am made to be a wife. It is one of my hearts desires. I don’t want a replacement husband. I want a man who knows I was loved well, but I still have a lot more love to offer, and who wants to become part of that forever story with me. A man who will walk side-by-side and talk through the complicated and messy parts, because the other parts make it worth it.

Now I think God knew all along exactly how I would react to my brokenness. He knew I would lean into Him and not run away from His love. He knew me better than I knew myself, because He knit me together. He knew widow would be one of the many labels of my life, yet I would not want to wear it as a sash and crown. I want it to be part of who I am and not all that I am defined by.

Now I consider it all joy to have walked this journey, and all of its losses, because of all the people I have been able to minister to and with over the past five years.

Now it’s time for a new season of life, a new adventure, with more twists and turns. I don’t know how it will turn out, but I’m excited to explore all the possibilities. Along the way, I’ll be praying for you and your journey too.

Father, I pray that You will bless all who read this with a reminder of how big you are and how much You love them. In Jesus name, Amen.