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If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you.He will not rebuke you for asking.
James 1:5, NLT

Sometimes God calls us to go down paths we would not choose; paths that make us afraid, intimidated, anxious, lonely, tired, worn and exhausted. Grief is one of those paths. Not one of us awoke one day and said, “I think this is the day I would like to become a widow.” We did not pick it, plan it-even if we knew it was coming, strive for it, or want to accept it with open arms.

I would have celebrated my fifteenth wedding anniversary just a few weeks ago. I only told a couple of people…

after the fact.

I didn’t make a social media post or call on my prayer warriors. I didn’t tell my church ministry team or my best friend. Part of me just didn’t want to share it. The other part of me didn’t want to live it. I just wanted it to be another day on this journey to the healing and the new God has for me.

I’M NOT SURE IF I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE….

But, isn’t that common for us? Isn’t it normal to doubt what we do or why we do it, on the crazy winding road of grief? This road takes us into the lowest valleys, where it is barren and dry and it takes us up to the highest of mountain tops, where we can almost see the face of God, because He draws us intimately close. So close that we can gaze into the majesty of His face and breath through Him.

However, it is still a road none of us wanted to travel. We did not look forward with anticipation, pack our bags weeks ahead of time, plan out stops or things we wanted to see, on this frequently traveled, intensely crowded, yet immeasurably lonely road.

WAS THERE A RIGHT CHOICE, OR WAS IT JUST MY CHOICE?

It’s the million-dollar question for us, sometimes. Is there a “right” choice to be made, or simply a choice. Is there one way to do this with excellence, because others are watching, or are there many ways to do this, with no one having a right to stand in judgement of my way?

The answer to those questions, is yes. There are sometimes right choices to be made and there are ways to do this with excellence in those choices, if we seek first the Kingdom of God. His word clearly says, “He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow.” Deuteronomy 10:18 ESV. He also says, we are to seek Him first, not others. We can go to many, and they will FREELY give their opinions, but at the end of the day, the ONLY opinion that matters is God’s. We will be held accountable to do what He calls us to do.

God has asked me to get ready for the new….

I’m not sure what all that means yet, or what that looks like, and I have to be okay with not knowing. I have to trust in my Father and be obedient to His call on my spirit and in my heart. What is God calling you to trust Him for, right now? Is He asking you to move, or do something new for your children? Is He asking you to find a new church or make different financial choices? Is He prompting you to a “new”?

I will NEVER forget or stop loving, my beloved Daryl. He is part of who I am and I was his forever love. This year, how I chose to honor what would have been 15 years, was to live the way he always wanted me to live, God first, and him second. I held him close all day, as a precious gift should be, but the gift was not more important than The Gift Giver.

Father, we need Your wisdom and Your hand on our shoulders. Keep us from evil so we may do no harm and guide us by Your mighty hand. In Jesus name we pray, Amen.