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Recently a famous actress and her equally famous rock star husband made headlines after announcing their separation. They chose to call the dissolution of their marriage a “conscious uncoupling”. The media had a field day with this and ridiculed the couple for describing the end of their union in such terms.

While I was saddened to hear the news of this couple divorcing, there was something about the way they were describing the demise of their relationship.

“Conscious uncoupling”

The road they were choosing to travel was now one where they would go from life as a twosome to life as an individual.

As I mulled over this description I realized why it struck a nerve with me. Because consciously or unconsciously, I’ve spent the last nine months since losing my husband learning how to uncouple. When you lose your love, there’s the emotional component: the tears, sadness and heartache. But there’s also something we don’t talk about much, and that is how it feels to seemingly go from a “we” to an “me”.

My separation from my husband wasn’t a decision we made, like the couple mentioned above. My separation from my husband was a choice that was out of my hands, losing him to an extended illness.

I’ve spent all of the months since, learning how to be “me” without him. It’s the small things; like going to a friend’s house and missing him being the first to walk through the door, break the ice, and be the life of the party. It’s the days where I want to eat at a restaurant, but not alone, so I sit and eat in my car–alone. It’s the days where running an errand is dreaded because he’s not there with me to make even the most mundane moments in life, fun and exciting.

We had learned to become fully integrated as a team and it has been extremely difficult to do life without my teammate. I enjoyed life as a duo. It can be extremely lonesome as a single.

It’s in those moments where I have to remember, my husband and I weren’t just a “we”– we were a “three”.

Meaning it wasn’t just my husband and I in this relationship but the Lord was the third person in a chord that cannot be easily broken. And you know what? He hasn’t gone anywhere.

He’s still with me.

During the moments where I am overwhelmed and feeling fearful and alone, I have to remind myself He is right by my side.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10 ESV

What was a strand of three is now down to two. Certainly there is pain and heartache because of that. When the thoughts try to come in telling me how alone I am, I will not believe those lies. It may take everything within me to change my perspective, but I will fight to do it.

To not just look at myself as a single. But as a duo.

For all I’ve lost, my God is the one thing I still have, and will never ever lose.

I am never alone.

Dear Jesus, I thank You that You will never leave or forsake me, but that You are right by my side. Help me to feel Your nearness each and every day. Amen