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When I became a widow in 2016, I added as many books on widowhood as I could get my hands on. This was especially true as I approached the holiday season. As I looked ahead to family gatherings, I wondered how in the world I would ever get through them without ruining everyone else’s day. I needed help to know how to navigate through this time of year when the loss of my husband would be magnified.

How do you celebrate when part of the family is missing?

How do you handle all the emotions during a time when it’s about joy and good cheer?

What is there to be happy about when all you can ask yourself is, “What is there to be happy about?”

Five Christmases later I can say with confidence that it is possible to celebrate and find joy again. Let me share with you some things that helped me navigate through those first holidays.

MANAGE EXPECTATIONS

Accept that the holidays will be hard. It’s ok if you aren’t cheerful and jolly.

There will be tears…let them flow. (Psalm 56:8 GNT)

Give yourself permission to grieve. (Matthew 5:4 ESV)

Be prepared with a plan to handle those tough moments when grief overwhelms you. Are you comfortable showing those emotions? If so, have tissues in hand and go with it. If not, know that it’s ok to excuse yourself until you can compose yourself or even leave the gathering altogether.

Remember you have a choice where to go and with whom you will share the holidays. It’s ok if you don’t want to be in large groups. Talk to your family about how you are feeling and plan accordingly. Expect negative feedback because not everyone will understand.

Ask yourself, what do I WANT to do? Don’t get caught in the trap of “I HAVE to or am EXPECTED to”.

Guard yourself against the desire to isolate.

Pulling back for a while can be healthy. You need alone time but you also need time with people. Keep a healthy balance between the two. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NLV)

And remember, you are never truly alone. God is always walking with you. (Isaiah 41:10 NIV)

With that said, I will also add that it’s ok to be of good cheer. I, for one, knew that my husband would not want me to be sad and unable to enjoy my family during the holidays.

Give yourself permission to be happy. (Prov 14:13 NIV)

Holidays will be different.

But they can still be good. Some traditions may change but use this opportunity to create new traditions that will honor your husband and his legacy. The first Christmas without my husband we placed a picture of him near a candle that we lit during our family time on Christmas Eve. Commemorative gifts of charms, ornaments, and photo albums were given to my children and grandchildren to remember their father and Pap for years to come.

Let me offer a few suggestions for ways to honor your husband’s life and legacy:

• Prepare their favorite food or dessert as part of the holiday meal
• Play his favorite holiday music
• Give to his favorite charity in his name
• Have a moment of silence during your family gathering
• Memory Box – memories are written on pieces of paper, deposited in the box, and read during dessert
• Leave an empty chair and plate set in his memory at the dinner table

Most of all, take time to curl up with your favorite blanket and your Bible and read the Christmas story as it’s told in Luke 2:4-19. Let it remind you of God’s love and our eternal hope in Jesus Christ, the giver of true joy and peace!

Christmas blessings to you and your family!

Lord, we thank You that we do not walk alone during these hard days. Help us to see Your love and care for us in tangible ways. Most of all, Lord, would You help us to keep our focus on the manger and the baby who came to save us all! Amen