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Reflections

The kids and I have just completed the most difficult and intense two-year journey through deep grief. It has been 2 years, 24 months, 96 weeks, 672 nights and days, totaling 16,128 hours, all without Norm, our beloved husband and Daddy, here with us. For many of you who have experienced a similar loss, that first year can be described as nothing less than brutal. Rationally I knew that we would somehow get through it, but my heart? Well, my heart felt like it had been crushed, shattered, battered, and bruised. Some days, it seemed to barely beat at all. I experienced all the emotions, enduring the pain and literal, physical heartache that came with losing my other half.

“But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifted of my head. I cried aloud to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy hill. I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me.”
Psalm 3:3-5 (ESV)

Yet, by the grace of God and with the incredible support of family and friends, we managed to navigate through what felt like the toughest, roughest, and most physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually demanding year of our lives. But we made it! There were certainly moments when I wondered how my heart could keep on beating, but God. He sustained me, held me up, and kept me moving forward.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I have heard from countless people that the second year is even harder than the first. I can’t begin to express how discouraging that idea was. I felt like I was barely hanging on as it was, and I couldn’t fathom my heart hurting any more than it already did. There were times when I genuinely feared I might have a health crisis if it got any worse. And you know what? Those people were both right and wrong.

As I journeyed through my second year, I began to notice that the intensity of my grief was slowly lessening. The heavy weight on my heart seemed to lift a bit, or maybe I was just learning to carry it better. Either way, as my heart started functioning again and I transitioned from survival mode to living mode, I realized that year two was indeed harder, just in different ways. The challenges were more practical and physical. I felt the weight of my responsibilities more profoundly, and I became acutely aware of feelings of inadequacy. It seemed like I was failing in so many areas.

“He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.”
Isaiah 40:29 (ESV)

Nevertheless, we made it through year two as well! It’s difficult to put into words, but there’s a sense of accomplishment and celebration in saying, “We made it!” This was never the path we would have chosen; it wasn’t how we envisioned our lives—teenagers without their earthly Daddy, and me as a widowed solo parent of teenagers. Did I mention they’re teenagers, dealing with the added complexities of grief and hormones? This was certainly not the life we had planned for or dreamed of. But through it all Jesus has strengthened us and we have made it. It might not have been pretty or graceful, but we made it!

God has been undeniably faithful. While this wasn’t our plan or dream, it was a part of His perfect, sovereign plan. He knew when Norm’s time here on earth would come to an end. Norm’s passing didn’t catch God by surprise. He isn’t scrambling to make up for it, nor is He executing a second-best plan for our lives. God has been and continues to work in our lives in ways that only He can, bringing us through this journey with His love, strength, and purpose.

So much gratefulness!

And for that, we are eternally grateful. And while we continue to miss Norm and always will, we also rest in the knowledge that he is sitting at the feet of Jesus, worshipping our Creator and it simply doesn’t get any better than that. So while we are still here, we will do our best to move forward living our lives in a way that reflects our love for him and honors his legacy, but even more importantly in a way that honors our Father who continues to direct our lives according to His sovereign plan and purpose.

Heavenly Father, we are so grateful for the knowledge that nothing has caught You by surprise, and even though it all looks so very different from what we expected, we are not walking into Your second best for us. Your plan for us is good and we trust You with every aspect of our lives. In Jesus name, Amen