{{item.title | uppercase}}

{{item.authdes}}

---

I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills His purpose for me.
Psalm 57:2 ESV

In the early days I cried – a lot.

Some days I carried a box of tissues with me around the house, and I never left home without an ample supply – I knew I would need them.

To say that “I cried out to God” is really an understatement – it was really more like wailing – a deep, deep-down cry that would not be silenced. I had so many questions – there was so much I did not understand. I was prepared for my beloved to pass; however, as I have told many people, I was in no way at all prepared for life “after” -life “after” that phone call at 3:36 am with two simple words that changed the landscape of my life forever – “he’s passed”. Simple words, direct, gently said by the kind nurse – but they screamed at me and catapulted me into a place of aloneness like I have never experienced before. I was alone, truly alone. I just didn’t know what to do with myself or where to turn next. What was I supposed to do with my life now? What was my purpose? My children were grown and my husband was gone………

Of course, I “knew” God loved me.

Of course, I “knew” He would never forsake me.

Of course, I “knew” He was “there” but w.h.e.r.e.?

Turning away from the anger and despair, I decided instead to press in and seek Him with my entire being and all of my energy. I turned to His Word and read and read and read. But – I could find no comfort in the familiar stories from the Old Testament and the wondrous miracles and happenings in the Gospels and the Acts of the Apostles.

Then I re- discovered the Psalms – I mean I r.e.a.l.l.y re-discovered the Psalms. Here was something to which I could relate. Here was David in the depths of despair and loneliness crying out to His God and being honest with Him about the way he felt – even with a “hint” of frustration at times.

I realized then that I needed to be “honest” with God and tell Him how it really was with me. That’s when I wrote this – my Psalm to the Lord:

Lord, where are You?

I hate this loneliness. I fear I will soon be consumed by it for I can feel it draining the life from me, drying me out and leaving me dreary and barren.

Your beauty is around me at twilight with the gentle glow of pink from the sunset. Yet, the tears in my eyes blur its presence.

When, Lord, will this end? How long will I be able to endure this emptiness? What purpose is this serving – as I weep over my loss?

There is no question “why”, for I understand You are sovereign.

You have made heaven and earth and have declared the number of each man’s days.

You know when each rose blooms and when it will fade.

You have set the time of the sun’s rising and setting.

Your hand rests upon all of creation.

Trees sway in the wind that You send.

Crops grow in the rain You provide.

The morning sky is painted with Your fingers, the same fingers that knit me together in the secret place of my mother’s womb.

Yet, I ponder on all of these mighty works of Yours and still my heart is aching – aching for his hello, aching for his gentle touch, aching for his smile, aching to be home with You – for he is there with You.

I cannot understand – yet I have hope:

Hope as I recall Your mighty deeds of the past.

Hope that rests in the promise of Your Word that says You have a plan and a purpose for me and that those who mourn shall be comforted and that there are new mercies for each day.

Hope that causes me to declare, even through these tears: YOU ALONE ARE GOD. There is none other than You.

And through the tears and the pain I am learning that You are indeed enough and Your grace is sufficient.

I took the risk – and found that being “honest” with God was just exactly what I needed to do. This journey is by far the hardest one of my life. However, it is a journey into my “purpose”. He has a plan for me and each day He meets me where I am and gently guides me along the path.

Dear one, in your pain and sorrow dare to be honest with Him – He loves you so – He wants to hear it all – He does not want you to carry it like a heavy burden upon your back. Give it to Him – He stands ready to lift it from you. I promise – but more importantly – HE promises.