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This may be my hardest week since Jason left in October.

I say “left” because all other words feel wrong. “Left” is how I describe it and the word I’ve been using. I don’t like to say “late husband” either. How do we refer to them?

The Memory

Yesterday I broke down sobbing on the side of the road. An ambulance pulled out a little ways in front of me with no lights or sirens going. That was exactly how I imagined Jason’s body was transported to the hospital before I got the official news that he was gone from this world. It has been hard to see emergency vehicles since his death, but this time was different. It felt different because it’s been such a hard week for me.

There was a state police vehicle pulling out behind me– I was still pulled over, trying to pull myself together. I couldn’t let the tears obstruct my view. The officer slowed down to a stop beside me and asked, “You okay?”

It was Steve. A friend of my late husband’s. He was the officer that responded to the last car accident I was involved in last summer and he had come to Jason’s funeral. As he was speaking, he realized who I was. I struggled to find my voice and responded, “Yeah. I just can’t follow behind an ambulance.”

“Yeah, that’s understandable.”

The Tears

I cry a lot these days. My boys see it but are understanding and sweet to me. I know it’s all part of grieving, but that doesn’t mean I have to be okay with it. It wears on me, and I lose motivation for important things. It makes my face feel heavy for the rest of the day, and then I’m just… tired.

I have every desire to keep going. To keep plugging away at this thing called life. And to honor Jesus with my life. But I also really look forward to Jesus coming back and taking us believers and disciples HOME.

I don’t want pity. That makes it worse. I know this is all normal. But that doesn’t make this easier. This is life after death.

The Changes

Check in on your widow friends like many of my friends have been doing for me. Help them with projects and with every day life. Especially during this pandemic!

Widows don’t just miss their husbands. We miss all the things our husbands did. I’ve always been the stay at home/homeschooling mom, but now I’m also trying to keep up with all of Jason’s “chores”. I’m EXTREMELY grateful I don’t also have to work outside the home at this time.

Jason’s Verse

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

This is the verse Jason posted in the past and we used on his funeral cards. It’s true for his life, my life, and YOUR life. I pray you save it, put it as your wallpaper on your device and maybe memorize it. Let God be Lord of your life. Give Him 100%. All that you are. The good, the bad and the ugly. He wants it all, and He wants to change you in all the right ways. Not your personality. Not the you He created. But change your perspective.

Change your heart.

Will you do that?

Will you give your life to Jesus and trust Him to lead you through the rest of your life?

He will not misguided you.

I promise you that.

Lord God, we give our lives to You and trust You to lead us through the rest of our lives. Thank You for the HOPE only You can give. Amen