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“He has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven and crops in their seasons; he provides you with plenty of food and fills your hearts with joy.”
Acts 14:17 (ESV)

A widower friend and single father of boys asked me, “Kit, do your teenagers cook for themselves sometimes?”

I laughed. “It got better as they are got older,” I explained. But not in those early years. In those days I ran a marathon a day just to keep up with four boys—the idea of a home-cooked meal sometimes felt foreign. I cooked, but not every night. Usually we’d throw together a salad with protein or heat up something easy or grab something from Subway. The boys had even gotten quite good at doing these things themselves.

My widower friend paused in surprise. “And they’re good with that?”

His boys obviously felt differently, and I began to feel guilty that I don’t cook so often. Then I remembered how content my boys were—no complaints about food.

“Well, they make a big deal about it when I do cook, but they don’t complain when I don’t,” I said.

My friend told me his son gets very upset when dinner isn’t prepared for him.

I thought about the sense that made. His son lost a mother. My children didn’t. My children don’t miss the nurturing side of parenting.

What they did miss is the male side of things. My eleven-year-old constantly asked me to take him fishing or camping. And I don’t have a fishy bone in my body!!! I tried fishing with him. The lines got tangled, and the only fun we came away with was to laugh at how inept I was at it without a man who really gets fish hooks and bait. I clearly disappointed my son!

Loss is loss. It’s different for each of us, but in many ways the same.

Truth is, for my friend’s son who lost a mother or for my son who lost a father or for me who lost a husband, we’re all looking for the missing pieces.

I know intellectually that God fills all my emotional needs, but sometimes I still want what I want. For years I’ve gone without a husband—without arms to hold me at night and someone to handle the pieces of life that a man usually handles. I miss him simply being there so that as a couple we’re included in couple events. Or being there for repairs, finances, decision making, or just plain being my compass when I feel out of sorts about something.

When I notice one of those pieces missing, I sometimes run to my own devices to fix it. I ask my friends to help, and sometimes they can. But over the years, I’ve learned that usually the kind of help my friends give me doesn’t quite satisfy. What I really wanted was my husband.

The Bible tells about a group of people who were worshipping imaginary gods. These were the Greeks. Paul spoke to them about the crops and the seasons they were thanking imaginary gods for. He and the other apostle showed them miracles granted by the Holy Spirit.

Accustomed to their old ways, the Greeks immediately thought the apostles were gods.

Paul tore his clothes at such blasphemy. But then he gently explained, the crops and seasons that they had credited all along to the Greek gods actually came from the one and only real God.(Acts 14:17 ESV).

In choosing to trust God, the people in the Lycaonian city of Lystra had to give up mythical gods they were used to relying on, like Zeus and Hermes.

Even though they knew their old gods weren’t real, the old habits that comforted them were going to be hard to break. We are accustomed to our ways with our husbands. And while their gods weren’t real, the fact that our husbands are real makes the losses that surround losing them all the more painful.

So what do you do when we can no longer go to our husbands for comfort?

If we’re wise, we turn to prayer and surrender.

The gigantic invisible Hand

Walking the path of widowhood is like being picked up every morning by a gigantic invisible hand, as though you are one of those tiny people in Gulliver’s Travels, and being gently plopped on the ground at the foot of the cross. Few other trials in life are so long lasting. It’s there with you for years to come, with all the implications of having to brace life alone hitting you every day.

Sisters, learn to turn to Him sooner. Teach your children to acknowledge why they beg for certain things they lost from their daddy and be real that it’s a loss. Don’t try to jump to fix it all for them, and don’t jump to try to fix your own missing pieces.

Dear Lord, please help these precious women know that it’s okay to just be real about their pain. It’s tough going without what they lost. Help them to acknowledge that so they can then turn to You to fill in those missing pieces. Please bring blessings to my sister as she goes into another day with You, Father God. Amen.