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If you love me, keep my commands.
John 14:15 (NIV)

And suddenly it’s gone

Becoming a widow is one of the most disorienting experiences I have ever encountered. I had all these visions of what my life would be like with my husband, Dave. We had entered the empty nest phase of life and were looking forward to retirement and becoming grandparents together. Our relationship with God and with each other was in a really great place. My husband’s last call was to the pastor we were working with in our mission work in the Philippines. And then in a moment, a deadly car crash changed everything.

The death of our loved ones creates unimaginable changes in our lives. Everything we had pictured, the plans, the hopes, and dreams all vanished. We are numb from head to toe for days, weeks, even months. And eventually, we start to rebuild.

Rebuilding

As I finally started rebuilding my life I knew I wanted each step to be aligned with God’s will. Easier said than done. So much noise, so many distractions and so many other opinions on what I should do. How could I know which way to go? The only answer is to run and spend time with our Father. And to listen to His leading. He made the way.

One of the ways God guided me to hear Him was to attend an all-day silent retreat, one month after my husband”s death. A full day in nature, sitting by a lake, talking to no one. To be truthful, I was terrified of committing to that day. What if I sat in the woods and cried by myself all day? I cried a lot that day. But I also journaled and poured out my heart to God. And I listened to what truths He was bringing to my mind. When I got home I put that journal away in a place no one could find it. Even me. For years. Until the day He planned for me to find it and reflect on our conversation that day. I looked back at the raw, unspeakable pain, but I also saw the undeniable faith I had been given at the lowest point in my life.

Listen

It may seem overwhelming as you start moving forward to remind yourself that you need to listen and obey God’s commands. Some days it seems impossible to even get out of bed, much less go anywhere. But you will feel that prompting to go and God will be with you every step of the way. It may not be pretty. I remember showing up for a meeting with a friend at a coffee shop and then sitting there for hours, not able to speak a word, with tears streaming down my face the whole time.

And Obey

And the time I showed up for the small group, the one my husband and I had attended together. I stood outside beside my car having a full-fledged breakdown when one of my friends showed up. She had never seen anyone so distraught and had no idea what to do. I said just talk. She started to talk about Dave and I couldn’t do it. I finally managed to direct her to talk about butterflies. Which was the distraction I needed to pull myself back together. Not pretty, but each step was a step forward.

Knowing His Heart

Some people probably thought I should have stayed home those days. Others probably thought I was pushing myself too hard. I’m sure it made some people very uncomfortable. Whatever their thoughts, I was listening to God. I obeyed even when it felt like I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t – but through God’s strength I could. And even though it was painful and hard, God used it to bless me and He used it to bless others. I KNOW “He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose”. (Romans 8:28 NIV) Even when it’s not pretty. I can look back and see how He probably used those days for good but one day I will know how He used them for good.

Sisters, whatever you do, make time to talk and listen to God each day as you move forward. This time is a precious gift where we get to commune with God, hearts wide open, allow Him to work through us, and glorify Him!

Father, we love You so! Help us to listen and obey! For Your glory! Amen.