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“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children: and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you…”
Ephesians 5:1-2 (NASB)

A few months ago, I watched a Billy Graham special. Late into his 90s, this Godly man was one of the most influential Christian leaders. Holding court with the most powerful leaders of the world, he impacted them for decades. He even counseled presidents, foreign leaders, dignitaries, many other political figures, and even famous celebrities. His children have a massive ministry to carry on. Most importantly, he built up a crown of many jewels in Heaven, being used by God to win countless souls for Christ. His legacy is indisputable!

My husband committed suicide, which carries such a heavy stigma.

After he passed away, I inadvertently and directly heard cutting judgmental words from many. The deepest hurt comes when someone refers to his death as a “choice” he made. I wanted to scream out that he didn’t consciously choose death, he wanted life. But he got very sick, sicker than anyone I’d ever seen. His brain betrayed him, and then his body and others did too.

Something…somewhere…at some point…went terribly wrong.

Afterwards, I felt an incredible need to prove his legacy. I vowed that his end wouldn’t define our life…past, present, or future. I couldn’t bear the thought of the man I met and fell in love with…a wonderful, loving, selfless, and Godly man having suicide as his defining moment. I didn’t want anyone judging him.

So, I set out to share him with anyone willing to listen.

I thought I needed to prove who my husband was to justify a “worthy” legacy.

As God has healed me and spoken to me through His word, through friends and family, and through wise counsel, I started to realize I didn’t need to prove a thing. It didn’t matter what I said or did now, because my husband had already stood before the only One that matters. He received his crown of jewels…maybe his jewels were a few less than some and a few more than others, but it was done, finished.

Why do I need to prove anything?

His legacy is in me and our twenty-two year story; it’s in our children and their future, and in all those who knew and loved him. Faith and his eternal place in Heaven are his legacy. In both his life and his death, even a death meant to bring shame and judgment, God is using for a much greater glorifying purpose.

Legacies are a tricky thing. We all want to leave one. Some have lofty ambitions about theirs and others are simple.

As widows we get the unique privilege of not only seeing and influencing our husband’s legacy, but experiencing a greater sense of the importance in making sure we leave a legacy.

I don’t know if I’ll only influence my three children or if I’ll influence hundreds or even thousands. I don’t care so much either.

What I do pray is whatever my legacy looks like, the biggest part of it will be I reflected Christ all the time, and I faithfully followed Him all the days of my life… then because of that He used me for His greater purposes.

Heavenly Father, as we go through the grief process and see You reveal our husband’s legacy; help us find peace and comfort in it. Lord, reveal and remind us how their life and even their death had meaning and purpose. Father, most importantly, help us renew our desire to leave a legacy that honors and reflects You in whatever we are called to do now. In Your Matchless Name, Amen.