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“Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God.”
Philippians 1:3 NLT

Do you ever have people look at you as though you are lying when you tell them how long it’s been since your beloved went Home?

It’s either one or the other; they are shocked because it seems like it’s been much longer or like it just happened yesterday.

I feel the same way.

Like it’s been FOREVER since I’ve…

…heard his voice

…listened to him laugh

…held his hand

…felt his breath as he kissed my forehead

…looked into his eyes

…worshiped with him

But, wasn’t it just yesterday that…

…he told me everything would be okay

…I walked the halls of the hospital

…I planned his Going Home Celebration

…we stood in the pouring rain at his graveside

…we laughed and cried together, friends and family

…I cried myself to sleep

I guess it’s normal to feel like a moment and a lifetime have passed, all in the same instant. Yet, I’m not sure if that makes it easier or not. What I wouldn’t give to have some of our moments back, and what I wouldn’t give for others to never have occurred.

Life is funny that way. We desperately want the good and try to run away from the bad, like an Olympic track star with lightning fast speed. However, is it not the bad which allows us to fully appreciate the good? Is it not the bad that makes us cherish the good and understand its preciousness? Is it not the bad which molds us and refines us? Is it not the bad, which makes us CLING to our Father and deepen our roots into Him?

If this is the case, then perhaps the bad is somehow “good”.

I’m grappling, taking stock, pondering what I have learned and the distance I have traveled during these last four years. Yes, in just a couple of weeks, it will have been four years. Yesterday and forever ago, all at once.

Here is what I believe to be true; he was right when he said, “Everything will be okay.” It has not always been okay by earthly terms. It’s been HARD, really hard. It’s been exhausting, frustrating, cruel, and desperately taxing. It has been financially difficult. It has been complicated beyond belief. It has been excruciatingly lonely and yet, I am okay.

As I face year four, I lean in closer to friends who have proven true, family who have sustained, and my Father who has simply picked me up and carried me, more days than I recall. God’s grace has been more than sufficient, it’s been plentiful.

I have moved from, “Why?” to “Now What?” to “What’s Next, Lord?”, not because I wanted to, but because He still has a plan and a purpose for my life. I will not let the enemy rob me of one more thing. So, as I face year four, I simply say, “God, my life for Your life for me.” What’s Next, Lord?

He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 1:6