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…a man who had died… the only son of his mother, … a widow… And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her.
Luke 12:12-13 (ESV)

I love this verse because it points to God’s compassion not only for the widow, but for the parent of someone who died. We too need to have compassion for our beloved’s parents.

Perhaps you have a strong positive bond with your in-laws, but if not, take heart in the fact that you are not alone and consider these six tips. They will offer perspective on the family you have married into. I call them my I-N-L-A-W-S. I hope these help. Your husband’s family can remain part of your life beyond his passing. And because they are actively grieving like you, you can pray for them and ask the Lord to help you become the best of allies.

I for It’s normal

It’s normal for the in-law family to withdraw. It hurts at a time when you need their support and love the most. But remember they hurt too. Look at how some of our heroes of the Old Testament mourned over the losses of their children. Naomi lost not only her husband but her sons. She mourned with bitterness so much that she wanted to be called Mara, which meant bitter. (Ruth 1:20 ESV).

As unfair as it is to you, the reality is that his family is suffering and mourning as well, and our humanness will cause each of us to act out in sinful ways.

N for Not necessarily you

More than likely, if you feel alienated from your in-laws, it has nothing to do with you. Many widows experience this. And in each case, at least part of the issue for them is their loss. It helps to see their actions in this light.

L for different Levels of connectedness

Each writer on our team deals with varying degrees of connectedness (or lack of) with the family of their beloved. Some of us are close to our husband’s families. For many there is a bit of ambivalence—a wavering between love and withdrawal. There are still just as many who discover open emotional wounds developing between our loved one’s families. Sometimes the source of the rift started long before the loss. Other times the rift began because of the loss. Separate what might be a preexisting wound from grief itself. If it’s grief, be patient. Aren’t you grateful for the patience others are giving you during your grief?

A for Awareness of their grief can help you bridge the gap

I’m fortunate my husband’s family embraces me. At first there was silence until one of them encouraged me it was grief– not anything I did.

That made sense, but I felt like “that stinks!” I didn’t want to lose them just because they were grieving! So I reached out to them by visiting often.

Eventually they came around. Now each time I visit, there is joyous reunion.

W for Boundaries, not Walls

Sometimes drawing boundaries allows healing on both sides. But try to remember–boundaries are not walls. Unless family members pose threatening harm, don’t close the door on communication.

S for Stick close to God

Wherever you land with your in-laws, stick close to God. Return whatever treatment you receive with grace, remembering relationships are important. Everyone is hurting. What happens today doesn’t have to be the picture of your rapport with them tomorrow.

Lord, reach each sister with Truth You want her to know about her in-laws. Is she to cling close to them for support or draw boundaries or both? Help her discern the level of connectedness that is God-centered.