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“Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.”
Psalm 68:5 ESV

In the beginning of this parenting journey, I was a rock star mom. I cooked, I cleaned, and I partnered with my hubby to care for our daughter well. I did school trips, parties, and the class mom stuff. I did special treats for every holiday and birthday. I planned fun elaborate parties. I was a great hostess. I felt like the most blessed mom and wife, and appreciated motherhood deeper, especially since I had struggled with fertility issues.

Then, my twin boys were born and things took a turn. Life became harder. I was sleep deprived beyond anything I could’ve fathomed. I was overwhelmed and felt in over my head every single day.

But, when my boys turned one we turned a corner. We had made it! We were through the fog of endless diapers, sleep deprivation, bottle making, and utter chaos. We were in the clear!

Yet, a few shorts months after the boys turned one, my husband started complaining. Something was wrong. He felt pressure in his neck and chest. He felt “weird” and he couldn’t concentrate. He was suddenly really bothered by stressed. He stopped sleeping. He sought help. We prayed a lot. He went into a fog. He let others control and dictate his care. He got worse and worse. He took his own life.

In that split second I was left all alone, a solo mom, and a dad’s shoes to fill as well. I was now a “moad“, a mom and a dad.

I felt completely lost. I had no idea how I could ever parent three kids alone. How could I ever do this parenting gig well again? I looked around at all my friends. I remembered how much of a rock star mom I used to be. I looked at the to-do list of motherhood AND fatherhood. I was ill-equipped. Completely! I would fail and my kids would be raised by a completely inept, broken shell of a person.

Fast forward over five years later, to today. My kids are actually thriving. I’m NOT the absolute worst parent. We have become a “reasonably” healthy and joyful family of four. Obviously we aren’t the same, because death and grief have left their mark. I certainly don’t parent like I used to. I say “no” and “I can’t” much more now. I have less patience. I am more emotional. My to-do list stays unchecked more often than not. My parties are, well there’s a party at least. Yet, I don’t sweat the small stuff. We have joy. We see our blessings. We have love and we have fun. We continue to heal and move forward.

Sisters, I laid face down on the floor many nights in those first few years and still do at times, turning to God and crying out. I know it will be only Him who can do this.

Only He can give me the strength, the endurance, and the skills I need to be a “moad” to my kids.

And I knew from the very beginning He would, because He promised to. He promised ME and YOU, He would care for the fatherless and the widow. He called Scott home, so He called me to solo parent. He called Scott home, so He called my children to grow up without an earthly father.

When He calls us, He equips us.

But it’s never on our own strength and knowledge. It’s always through and in Him. In Him, I can raise a daughter to value herself and become a Godly woman; to seek God’s will for her life. She’ll understand what a Godly man looks like and how she should be treated by that man. In Him, I’ll raise up two boys to be Godly men. Gentlemen. Men who pursue after The Lord. Who’ll crave a Proverbs wife. And cherish her!

I am doing His best to raise up three kids who will choose to live out loud for the Lord, who will love deeper, appreciate often, and value much from the life they were called to.

Through Him we’re “doing” life, walking forward each day trusting He will be there, trusting He will be all we need! And always by His grace and goodness, He is, was, and will continue to be.

Thank you Father, for Your faithfulness and love for me and my kids. Thank you for singling us out, identifying us in scripture, loving us, and being all we need. In Your Matchless Name, Amen