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Sunday
Lord, I just don’t know what to do. I need Your help.
It would have been our thirty-sixth wedding anniversary. I felt so weighed down by the circumstances of Jimmy’s death in the hospital. The “lockdown” that the government and hospitals had put in place made the truth difficult to find.
That afternoon, God put the people in place that He wanted to be WITH me and FOR me. I “thought” I knew what the afternoon would look like but GOD had His plans and His purposes in the special time together.
In that meeting, I wept when I heard our Pastor and the three other folks speak God’s Word from Scripture over me.
I knew God wanted me to “surrender” the medical records to Him. To trust Him. He saw everything that my dear Jimmy had to endure. The wrongs that took place. One of Jimmy’s friends in the meeting told me that Jimmy would not want me to endure reading the medical records. As she sat there with the notebooks of Jimmy’s medical records, with tears in her eyes, she looked at me and said, “Just keep your eyes on Jesus and not the stats” as she touched the notebook in front of her.
What did she just say? I wept as I heard the words that the Holy Spirit gave her to tell me. Because those were the exact words the Holy Spirit had given me on Jimmy’s very last day.
Having never told anyone before, I shared what happened that last day in the hospital.
When I was with Jimmy in his ICU room on his final day, the Holy Spirit impressed upon me not to look at the monitor anymore and to keep my eyes on Jesus.
What are my stats, he asked.
I think God wants us not to look at the stats but keep our eyes on Jesus.
Okay, he calmly said.
And it was not much longer and he was face to face with Jesus.
And what I did next, completely shocked me. I left the medical records at the church. It was a visual image for me to put them on the altar.
Monday
On Monday I asked our Lord to please confirm to me that what I heard was really what I am supposed to do. I opened Jimmy’s Bible expecting God to show me a verse or verses. But instead, He put before me a portion of notes written in Jimmy’s own handwriting. They were from his Bible Study Fellowship class several years ago. My eyes fell on this…
God is just. God can be trusted to make it right. God is merciful. God can be trusted with my brokenness. God is our all and all.
To see that note in Jimmy’s handwriting stunned me. But it also comforted me! It was like him telling me it was okay. Trust God.
Tuesday
Then in our GriefShare meeting on Tuesday, this was in our workbook…
When I feel anxious, when I feel tempted, when I feel nervous, when I feel out of control, when I feel worried, I take that to (God, who is seated on) the throne of Grace, with great intentionality, and I tie it to the altar. I thank Him ahead of time for the outcome.
Dr. Crawford Loritts
Wednesday
On Wednesday I met with our counselor we have known for over twenty-five years. God made a way for me to have that meeting since it is out of town. God confirmed again that what I was hearing was indeed from Him.
Going Forward
Remember the passage of Abraham about how God called him to put his son Issac on the altar? That chapter helped me surrender the medical records and trust God. I will only find the peace He has for me by surrendering everything in my life to Him.
I am choosing to obey Him. Even in the midst of not understanding.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7 (ESV)
Be prepared that it may not look like what you thought, but that HIS ways are higher than our ways. And that He has a purpose even in our pain.
