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And Isaac said to his father Abraham, “My father!” And he said, “Here I am, my son.” He said, “Behold, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?”
Genesis 22: 7 (ESV)

Silence

Nausea

Disbelief

Relief

Sadness

Loneliness

Confusion

Emptiness

These are the emotions I began to experience on the afternoon of February 14 in Durham, North Carolina. The Lord was there with me that day, but, for a moment I turned my face from Him and walked away. He had asked me to take something I loved with all my heart and sacrifice it. Give it to Him and trust that it would all be ok. I walked all the way to the altar, put my beloved on it, praying the whole time he would be spared. It didn’t happen; my beloved was called home. And in the silent, empty world I now lived in, a thought kept repeating itself in my head until I couldn’t breathe,

“I can’t do this.”

How can you continue to be alive when your heart has been ripped from your chest?

Yet there I was, still breathing, still thinking. My eyes had the ability to blink and focus. But I felt like the walking dead and, without my Savior, I would have been like a walking dead person. I have never felt so utterly alone before.

How could He have asked this of me?

You don’t answer someone’s prayer and give her a soul-mate and then, when their love is so solid and founded in Christ take him. That’s not how it works. Those were my thought patterns as I packed up my things from my hotel room near the hospital. After I drove home from North Carolina to Virginia, I accepted the home-cooked meals, planned the funeral, bought the casket and burial plot.

“I can’t do this.”

When we went down to Duke for his bone marrow transplant, we had to meet with a social worker. She asked us what our biggest fear was. My fear was that I would have to drive home without him.

“I can’t do this.”

Thankfully, I have a very close relationship with my Savior, and I was surrounded by people who loved the Lord. During this time, they carried me and my needs to the throne room, when I couldn’t bear to think about my Savior.

It has been several years since Bill went Home to Heaven and, not only have I done “this“, but I can tell you I am living victoriously through Christ. I understand that God, in calling Bill Home, made the most loving, best decision for everyone.

I have also learned that I REALLY “can’t do this”.

God has never intended for us to do “this” alone. He wants fellowship with us. He wants us to come to Him with everything. He wants us to rely on Him for everything. I have learned to accept the grace and mercy He gives me every morning and just use it for today. He is faithful and will give me more for tomorrow. I can’t do this in me, but if I surrender and lose me, He is made bigger in me.

It hasn’t been an easy road, but on every step of this journey, God has lovingly wrapped His arms around me and listened to every thought I had and never left my side. I don’t want to do this, but God has me walking this journey. Each day, I grow stronger in Him and I see that He provides for all my needs.

Thank You, Lord, for loving me so much and walking this journey with me.