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“God can’t take out the trash, so how can He be my husband now?”

We were asked this question by one of our lovely readers, and we thought you would like to read our response. She had such a transparent heart, we asked if we could share an excerpt from her letter. You may find yourself in some of the thoughts she is sharing. We post this here as a reminder, you are not alone in your feelings!

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Reading today’s message was a step in healing! I know I have to let go. My hurt, disappointment, and anger at people and family who have let me down… It hurts so deeply, on top of your widowhood, to be excluded because they are uncomfortable! … But I need to have family and friends. I have already had my biggest loss imaginable! I am growing weary and more lonely. Widowhood is trying enough.

Scripture speaks of God being my husband now but He doesn’t physically eat with me, sleep beside me, hold me in His arms, go out with me, give me physical hugs, talk to me verbally, fix broken stuff, take the car to the garage, take out the garbage! …

So when there is no one to love me, how does God help me?

I just have to believe it. But it is so abstract! … I need to feel God in a solid, real way! It feels superficial. I thought God would show up concrete, in my friends to comfort me in the darkest night of my soul. I need God in a realistic way. I do lots of volunteering, and reach out to others hurting, go to a small group, counselling, and support group . But I feel like I’m chasing the wind.

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Thank you so much for writing out your thoughts in such a way and sharing them with us. Many of us have had similar thoughts go through our heads — we need a “husband” who takes out the trash and protects us in storms. I can relate to that! Unfortunately, it seems to be “normal” in many widows’ lives. People let us down, family walks away, or the church members just don’t get it.

Often during the most difficult or confusing times of life, I find it helpful to read the Psalms. The authors let God know how frustrated they are. They talk about how unjust the world is when wicked people succeed. But it seems the Psalmists always come back to what is true about God. That is where I have to land every time.

I have to cling to truth, not feeling.

I love my feelings and want to grasp them with all my might–That right there is my hardest struggle. My feelings get hurt, my feelings are not validated by others, my feelings say that I must not be loved. But God loves me so much He allowed His only Son to suffer, bleed, and die a horrible death FOR ME. For you. That is the truth.

If He does nothing else for me, that is more than I deserve right there.

I love it when I find little nuggets in Scripture. The story of Anna in Luke 2 amazes me (click the link to read the verses about her). She was an old widow and had only been married for seven years. Now at eighty-four, she was known for her devotion to prayer and worship.

If she got married as a teen, like it may have been back then, then she lived maybe sixty years completely focused on worship and prayer. Being a widow allows many of us the freedom to devote ourselves to prayer like we never were able to before.

I’m also reminded about what the Apostle Paul says about widows in his letter to Timothy.

“She who is truly a widow, left all alone, has set her hope on God and continues in supplications and prayers night and day”
1 Timothy 5:5 ESV

So how do we live this journey with grace?

I think we do it like Anna. It sounds so simple but I know it isn’t. We expect so much out of other Christians and family members, don’t we? Believing they will want to support us, we find they fail us. We want to believe God will take care of us, but bad things still come our way. What do we do when we are all alone in this world?

All we can do is keep trusting God when everything around makes no sense.

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I hope these thoughts I shared with our reader help you as you process your grief. If everything made perfect sense, then where would the TRUST in God be? Most all of my beliefs about God come down to two things: God is good and God is sovereign. No matter what circumstances are going on around me, that is where I end up. Without those two beliefs, nothing will ever make sense in my life. God as our husband

Do you have a question you would like to ask? Email us at admin@awidowsmight.org