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This piece was originally written in October 2015, just nine months after my husband passed.

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.
Psalm 62:5

You will be secure because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.
Job 11:18

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain.
Hebrews 6:19

I am nine months in and realizing this journey is full of emotions – many I’ve never felt before. There are moments I think, “I shouldn’t have to deal with this or feel this way.” But I am. These are my circumstances, and this is the journey God has called me on.

You see, being a widow doesn’t mean you lost only a husband – or one role in your life. It means losing your best friend, lover, confidant, trash taker outer, and father to your child, comforter, financial advisor, prayer warrior, a partner in this life – the person you shared life with day in and day out. I could go on and on. Their absence is obvious in every moment, and the feelings that come with losing all of these roles are overwhelming.

In the beginning, a grieving mind can make you feel hopeless. I know for me, early on, I felt no reason left to live. There were times I thought there was no way I could possibly go on without him. Debilitating fear would consume me every second. I could not be anywhere alone. I couldn’t even walk into my bedroom by myself without fear overtaking me. I could not drive and, though I did every single day, I could barely put my feet on the floor each morning.

Every night I fell asleep whispering, “Jesus, help me” over and over again. Those were the only three words I could get out. I was literally gaining enough strength to make it through each second.

As I go back to those first few weeks and months after Michael’s death by suicide, thinking about that very dark place, I could never imagine being in the place I am today.

You see, there is only one way to find hope in hopeless times (through a grieving mind), and that is through the one who died for us – Jesus.

If we put all of our hope in our current circumstances, we will be sorely disappointed.

Throughout the Bible, He tells us this over and over again – to put our hope in Him, and He will give us rest. His mercy and grace are the only reason I stand strong today. Because during the moments I couldn’t stand, He was there. Sometimes His presence came through my family and friends. I know for certain He has placed people in my life over the past several months as an extension of Himself. They have been His hands and heart to comfort, guide, and bring hope and healing here on earth.

I still have moments of disbelief, moments of grief that come out of nowhere and knock me down. But, I get back up because of His strength.

My grief for Michael will never end. It will last a lifetime. When you see a smile on my face, it doesn’t mean every moment of my life is “happy”. Or if you see me filled with laughter, it doesn’t mean all is right and I am OK. And if you see me doing everyday things, it doesn’t mean I have healed.

Because of the hope Jesus provides, I can look outside of my current circumstances, even when it seems impossible to understand, and find joy.

As a widow, you never move on. You move forward, and I know firsthand taking steps – small or big – to move forward requires much more effort and strength than staying in the same place, full of self-pity.

It is hard work, but I am still here for a reason. As the days and months continue to pass, I know the Lord is with me every step of the way, and I see how He is impacting the lives of others through our horrific story. From the texts and chats with friends to the messages of those I have never met. They are reminders of His faithfulness and the good that will come from this.

Father, Thank You for protecting me in those early dark days. Thank You for the eternal hope You give each of us as we grieve. In Jesus’ name, amen.