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“The LORD your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness;
He will quiet you by His love;
He will exalt over you with loud singing.”
Zephaniah 3:17 (ESV)

Thump, thump. Thump, thump. The heartbeats of my little boys were beating strongly at our doctor’s appointment.

And it brought me back…Back many years ago when they were tucked safely in my belly, that whirring sound during my many ultrasounds, telling me they were strong and healthy, that everything was right in the world.

I got to see and hear those beating hearts on the monitor just as I did so long ago. It hit hard, listening to that beautiful sound again.

Memories flooded my mind as I watched each of them climb up on the table…as I watched and listened to their strong hearts beat on the screen.

Memories of my husband and me crying childless tears…

Memories of the sweet sound of the heartbeat on the ultrasound when we finally became pregnant with our daughter…

Memories of struggles with infertility again.

The memories of the doubly sweet sound of two little heartbeats going strong inside me, when we became pregnant with twin boys.

I realized only my husband would love and appreciate that sound and all those memories as much as me.

Reality hit yet AGAIN!

My husband, my story keeper, my partner in all this life stuff, is not here.

I choked back tears as I tried to focus on this sweet specialist and all she was sharing with me about my boys’ precious hearts. But, my mind wandered. It wandered off into the place my widow-brain takes me at any given moment; memories, regrets, sorrows, nostalgia, melancholy, jealousy, fear, loneliness…You name it, it’s all there.

As I drove home from the appointment, getting the all clear (Praise God) nod from the cardiologist, I cried tears of relief and tears of sadness.

I felt a sense of relief because the trip to the heart specialist for my boys was complete. I could now release the worry I carried for the last few weeks, from the moment the pediatrician said she heard something and was sending them to a cardiologist, through to our appointment today. I felt sadness because I had to do this all alone, that Scott missed this day. And I really missed him!

I was grateful that I could cry out to my own cardiologist, my heart specialist:

Lord, I need You now. I miss Scott, today especially! I don’t have the one person who was in the trenches all those years with me, who remembers the years of infertility and the elation that came later as we heard those monitors whir with strong healthy heartbeats. He’s not here to rejoice with me when the doctor gave the all clear. Give me peace, give me comfort, let me savor in the good news and not wallow in the missing piece. Amen

I am so thankful for my Heart Specialist and that I can turn to Him on days like today. He softens the blow by whispering sweet words in my ears. He reassures me. He searches out my heart. He hears me. He cares.

His love draws me in and comforts me.

Lord, thank You for being my Heart Specialist. You rejoice with me, encourage me, and comfort me when I really ache for my earthly husband. I lift up to You anyone who’s missing her husband more today than normal. We certainly have these days, Lord. I ask that Your love and comfort can be enough for her right now. Enter her heart and her mind, whisper to her, assure her now. In Your Matchless Name, Amen.