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O magnify the LORD with me, And let us exalt His name together.
Psalms 34:3 (NASB)

Have you heard?

“I am a widow.”

Yep, for different reasons, I’ve said that a great deal this week. It’s a phrase I have grown accustomed to, even though I still don’t like it all the time.

Widowhood is a badge to me–a badge I wear every day. Whether I speak the words or not, it’s with me. Like a wheelchair to a person who can’t walk, or a shiny medal on a uniform, or even the spattered food and wrappers strewn about my car from my kids. Each of these is a symbol of identity. And widowhood is one of the badges that is a part of my identity.

Some days that badge looks amazing and is displayed proudly.

It is an honor to be Scott’s widow. It is an honor to have been loved well and to have loved well. It’s an honor to have married my childhood sweetheart, my best friend. We had those precious few years where we started a life together, built a home, and brought three precious babies into this world. It’s an honor God has allowed me to heal and grow, that He has “chosen” me to walk this journey. That He has set me apart, and is equipping me to do all He has in store for me.

On the good days, that’s how this looks and sounds.

But sometimes, my widow badge is tarnished, nasty, and gnarly looking; I just want to cover it up and hide it.

It’s so painful and sad to talk about my love. When I have to verbalize the overwhelming loss I feel on a daily basis, or even identify my lot to someone, it stings badly. When the grief wells up on holidays, anniversaries, and other not-so-significant days, it makes me want to pretend like it doesn’t exist. And when my kids cry out for their dad, when they long for him, and their pain and sadness engulfs them, that’s when I want to just blight it out.

I don’t talk about being a widow every day. But, every day, widowhood is a part of me and is my “badge of honor”, whether I am verbalizing it to someone or not. It’s an honor because I had the privilege of being in a wonderful marriage, and I experienced becoming a mom with my best friend three times over.

And yes, no matter how much I don’t like it, it’s an honor God is using my loss for His glory, that He is allowing me to find such purpose in my suffering. He has given me the opportunity to be comforted, so I can then comfort others.

Most importantly, it’s a great honor that I can honor God throughout!

Father God, thank You for allowing me to be a wife, so I can now be a widow. No matter how hard it is or how much I want to hide it some days, help me to see Your greater purposes. Heal me, Lord, bring all honor and glory to You as I have opportunities to share my story to those in my world. Help me share boldly, no matter the response or awkwardness. In Your Matchless Name, Amen.