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“since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything.”
Acts 17:25b (ESV)

The bondage of striving

One of my biggest concerns shortly after my husband died was – how am I going to do grieving well. Being vocal about my faith, working in a large church full time, and my husband dying in a shocking car wreck, brought a lot of attention to our situation immediately. I knew people were watching and I wanted to be sure that nothing damaged my testimony about who God is. I immediately slipped on the coat of bondage I had worn for most of my life. The bondage of striving to be good enough to handle what had come my way.

The bondage of striving was far too familiar and easy. Woven around my soul early in life from repeated rejection, misconstrued introspection, and a false sense of pride born from survival, it once again became my first response to an incredibly overwhelming circumstance. I immediately began to worry that people would interpret my struggles as proof that God wasn’t really there for us in difficult circumstances. And if justice wasn’t obtained in the legal proceedings then somehow that would translate into God must not really be good. It even invaded my everyday thoughts about the ministry work I was doing – if I wasn’t performing with excellence then I must be trying to do it in my own strength, not through the power of the Holy Spirit. The fears accelerated until the striving became unbearable.

The lesson of “Flip over and float”.

And then God spoke. Not in an audible voice but by bringing to mind a lesson He had shared with me during a quiet time several years before. I call the lesson “Flip over and float.”

I was not an athletic child. My family still laughs at the letter I sent my grandmother in fourth grade in which I proudly shared with her I had won last place in the school race. Last place, not even a respectable somewhere in the middle. Running as a sport was definitely not even a possibility for me. However, my happy place has always been in the water. Evidently, it is in our DNA because my dad and brother were the same way and I see the same thing in my grandchildren. So soon after the historic race when I won last place, I transitioned into a more appropriate sport by joining the swim team.

Striving is like treading water.

Now as some of you might have already guessed, just because I loved the water didn’t necessarily translate into being great on the swim team. However, I persevered and began to develop decent skills. Part of our initial training included learning to tread water for l-o-n-g periods of time. Those drills of treading water scarred me for life.

A few years ago, God brought to mind once again, those dreaded drills of treading water. And at that moment, He reminded me how much I used to thrash about, my arms and legs constantly moving when treading water just to keep my head above water. How, after even a short time of treading, I was utterly exhausted and done for the day. Then God showed me the contrast between the treading waters drills with the drills of floating on our backs. The goal was the same – keeping our heads above water. But instead of thrashing about and getting exhausted when treading water, when floating all I had to do when I started to sink was take a deep breath. A moment of clarity, that applied to my life, not just swim team drills – instead of striving/thrashing all I needed to do was flip over and float. To breathe in more of Him.

Breathe Him in.

As widows, we can be vulnerable to trying to “strive” for grieving well. If we don’t say it to ourselves we can often be told by others “we need to get over it”, “it’s been long enough” or to “pull ourselves up by our bootstraps”. When you hear these words, remember instead to flip over and float. God has supplied each of us with absolutely everything we need to survive. We have Him! Just breathe Him in. And as time goes on He will guide you along His path for your life.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Philippians 2:13 (ESV)

Dear Heavenly Father, we are so grateful that You will accomplish Your purposes! That You will bring the work You began in us to completion! Thank You for the life, the breath, and everything You have given us! We praise You in Your Son’s Holy and Precious Name. Amen.