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One-and-a-half years old – 20 months.

That’s how old my son Ty was when my husband Michael, his dad, made his way to heaven.

At the time, I knew he was young but now that he turns five in less than two months, I’m realizing just how young he was.

More than three years and many milestones later, we have come a very long way. When I look back to those first moments, days, months and year, I remember thinking there is no way my son is going to be OK without his father. Knowing his dad died by suicide – how will this impact him? I felt helpless and hopeless.

But these were and still are lies from the enemy.

I don’t have the answer and though I know the loss of his father does and will continue to have a huge impact on his life, our lives today are not at all that hopeless vision I had immediately after Michael’s death.

God stepped in.

This journey has been treacherous and comes with days of sorrow, along with unique challenges as a remarried widow, but we have found JOY.

Today my son is a vibrant, fun-loving and kind little boy with so much happiness and excitement for life.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to do it all on our own, but we don’t have to. The Lord promises to be by our side. He is doing this life with us. He is the father to the fatherless and protector of the widows.

“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.”
Psalm 68:5

And my four-year-old son has learned compassion. Recently my dear childhood friend lost her husband to suicide. I told Ty, “Mommy has to go out of town. My friend’s husband and her children’s dad went to heaven earlier than she expected, just like daddy. And though we know he is with God, they are sad he isn’t here. She has a son about your age, and I’m going to go be with her and celebrate her husband, their dad’s, life.”

He shook his head and gave me a hug as if he knew exactly what I was talking about. A few days later, he said, “Mommy, I want to talk to that little boy.” I asked who, and he responded, “The little boy whose dad went to heaven.”

I mentioned we could call or send him a video, and he said, “No, I want to go to him like you did. I want to tell him I know he’s sad, but he will be OK. Maybe God will send them a daddy on earth like he did for us. God sent us Keith.”

My heart nearly burst into a million pieces – with sorrow and joy. Sorrow because loss was one of my son’s first experiences on this earth but joy because I was seeing firsthand how the Lord has truly been by our side, transforming our lives. The Lord has led me, which has shown my son we can trust Him through anything.

When we lose our husbands, we grieve not only for ourselves but also for our children. We feel their innocence was lost at the moment death appeared.

I still ask myself how will I explain it all when the time is right? Will he experience similar emotions as I did right after? Is he going to be OK? Will his faith still stand?

We all have questions, but we cannot focus there. We have to trust in the Lord’s sovereignty and promises.

Ty asks about his dad in heaven often, and we talk about him daily, and God has always given me the words. I trust he will do the same as the questions and years continue to come.

Lord, I pray each of these women let joy in. It can be easy for grief, and questions and fear for our children to consume us, but remind us you are there with us – every moment of every day. Thank you for never leaving our side. Amen.