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“They would be okay without me.”

Earlier this summer, on a camping trip with my family, that was the lie swirling in my head. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, but what they didn’t know, as I sat alone at the picnic table, is that all I could think about was my late husband Michael. Having just experienced our anniversary, our son’s birthday, Mother’s Day and now his birthday, yet again without him, I was covered in grief.

Though those feelings were fleeting, I kept them to myself for a few days because guilt engulfed me. I absolutely knew they were not true – grief and emotions can sometimes get the best of us, making us believe things that are not real, and aren’t always to be trusted. I shared my thoughts from that night with my best friend, who is also a counselor, and my husband Keith. I had not seen my counselor in nearly two years, and they both urged that I reach out to her.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that you may have life and have it abundantly.”
John 10:10 (ESV)

The first part of that verse was all I could focus on the moments and days following my late husband Michael’s suicide, but I also knew that the Lord could take something horrific and use it for His glory. And today, my life is living proof of that. The Lord has used our story and testimony to lead others to Jesus, I am remarried to an amazing man and, with much work and prayer, find myself in a very healthy place. However, in times like those I described, grief can knock me to my knees.

There are still occasions when satan tries to make his way back into our thoughts, especially in our vulnerability, in attempts to destroy what God has done. But God has already won! Sisters, when you find yourselves here, lean on the Lord and pray, hard.

“For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ …”
2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Prayer works. I know firsthand the Lord is “close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” He is the reason I am where I am today, but I also know that God provides people on this earth to help us – family, friends, counselors, doctors. And when we face struggles, whether it be physical or emotional, we need to address them.

I am so thankful I visited my counselor that week and the few weeks following. I learned that with so many holidays and the busyness and responsibilities in my new life, I was just extremely overwhelmed. As we talk about things, they seem to have less power over us.

I have learned it’s OK to have moments or days that bring sadness. Grief doesn’t end; It changes but what we’ve been through, losing our other half, that will stay with us forever. We will always miss our husbands, but when they aren’t healthy emotions and thoughts, the Lord wants us to seek help, help from Him and those he placed on this Earth. If your arm was broken or you had the Flu or your chest hurt, most of us would see a doctor. We need to do the same when it comes to our mental health.

Sisters, with love and loss comes sorrow. When these moments show up in our daily lives, we are not stepping back on this journey. It is our journey, and God promises to be there for us in the valleys of utter despair and on the mountain tops of pure joy!

Lord, I pray you continue to lead and strengthen us. When darkness enters our mind, replace it with comfort, peace and joy. We know we can trust in YOU. Amen.