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Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9 (ESV)

It was during a women’s retreat when a sweet friend sat down with me and read this scripture to my heart. It spoke to me but not in a profound way at the time. I thanked her and tucked it away, not to be thought about

until…

My husband was ill for some time until he received a kidney transplant. After the kidney transplant, he was able to return to work, living a good life.

Until he became ill again.

I became more of a caregiver than a wife, as his body slowly succumbed to immunosuppressants and fatigue.

When a mold (Aspergillus) took up residence in his lungs, we began to walk a fine line between good and bad drugs, attempting to keep his kidney healthy while also trying to kill the mold. On Christmas Eve I woke to find my precious husband had passed in his sleep.

Fear gripped my soul.

How could I continue living without my best friend, lover, and confidant by my side? Thirty years of being one, and now he was gone. How would I pay bills, raise my special kiddo, maintain a home, property, vehicles, and a full-time job? How could I care for my granddaughters and tend to all that he had taken care of during our marriage?

Grief is indescribable—loneliness, unimaginable.

But fear? It’s paralyzing!

Here’s how paralyzing—during the first several months after losing my Mark, I would arrive home from work, wrap myself in his robe, and lay on the couch. I would not move until I had to return to work the next day, not even to prepare a meal. I cannot recall what my son ate, how his laundry got done, or if my home was cleaned. The lawn and plants died, as I never ventured out—even into the yard! If it wasn’t necessary, I wasn’t going to move to do it.

Fear didn’t just creep into my life. It took over like an unwelcomed guest!

God was with me, and I knew it—but in my head, not my heart.

Then it happened. While I sat in my dirty kitchen, leafing through God’s Word, the words spoken by God to Joshua which my friend had read to me all those years ago, came alive. ‘Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

I sat in my kitchen reading those words and acknowledged–I was weak, discouraged, and afraid! And yet God was telling me not to be.

“But every part of my normal had changed,” I whined. For it was true. Nothing would ever be the same again.

Then I thought: Had everything changed?

Yes, the earthly love of my life was gone but God was not! God was still God, still strong, still a God of encouragement, still a God of Power, and of Love, and of Courage!

In the days and weeks that followed, as the Truth of His Word permeated my being, my attitude changed, and my heart awakened to the beating of His.

Minute-by-minute and day-by-day, I reminded my heart that yes, I am weak, but my God is strong. I am afraid, but my God is Courageous.

This was a start for me. Fear continued to rear its ugly head, but courage was beginning to rule and reign. Daily I needed to apply God’s truth to my actions, take a step forward then two and three–sometimes followed by setbacks that were only momentary.

God did not give me a spirit of fear. I can do all things through Christ. My God will never leave me nor forsake me. Scripture has become my lifeline.

It’s been a few years since losing my husband, and though I may occasionally struggle with fear and discouragement, God is constant in His Truth. He does not change. He did not change the day I lost my Mark, and He will not change tomorrow.

Oh, dear friend, your world changed the day your spouse passed from this life unto the next. This new journey is a challenge every step of the way, but your God will never change. He will be with you wherever you go!!

Father God, thank You for Your promise of walking with us in this uncertain journey. Remove our fear, replacing it with Your courage to face all our circumstances. Thank You for loving us. Amen