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WE HAD PLANS.

My husband Michael and I were going to have at least two children and possibly adopt a third. We were going to continue traveling the world, start a nonprofit, raise our children together, become grandparents, grow old and grey together. We were just 31 and had our entire lives ahead of us.

But what happens when those plans don’t come to fruition?

I have always known that being a Christian does not give me immunity to the troubles of this world, but I never imagined that suicide would impact my life. I never imagined becoming a widow and sole parent at 31. It just wasn’t part of my plan.

But it happened.

And when it did, I begged and pleaded with God for another way for His will to be done, until I finally surrendered to His will and not my own.

It can be difficult to understand when our hopes and dreams for this life don’t go along with what actually happens, bringing doubt and questions. I remember when our son was just three-and-a-half-years old, questioning how his father is not part of the plan here on earth (that is a question that never goes away).

We had gone by the home we shared to pick up mail not long after we moved – I sold the house when I remarried (that wasn’t a part of the plan either, but I am so thankful God led my husband Keith and me to each other. He is a miracle in our lives!)

As we drove away, my eyes began to fill with tears. My son noticed and asked, “Mommy, do you miss our house? Do you miss Daddy? Why did Daddy have to go to heaven? It was too soon.”

Those words, from my son, missing his daddy, were heartbreaking and something we will live with for a lifetime. But I’m going to share with you exactly what I shared with him.

“I do miss him very much. When we love someone and they are not here, it makes us sad. And, I don’t know the answer, buddy. When our lives don’t go as we plan and don’t look the way we always envisioned, all we can do is trust in the Lord and trust in His bigger purpose that we may not see. We have to be open to letting Him work in our lives,” I said. “I don’t understand why God allowed Daddy to go to heaven so soon. I see how Daddy’s life and our experience are impacting others for good, but I don’t really know the reason (and even if I did, it would never be good enough for my earthly mind). We aren’t always called to understand but to trust in the Lord,” I tried to explain.

He was so young and though his sense of understanding was ahead of most three-year-old children, I wasn’t sure he fully got it. However, I continued to share my faith in Jesus with him.

The Lord says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3:5-6

This was the verse written on a notecard that I found in my late husband’s truck. Little did I know, that notecard and this verse would help sustain me through my deepest side of grief.

I shared my heart and this verse with my son. I prayed these words and thoughts would begin to build a foundation for his faith and relationship with Jesus Christ. Today, at 11, I see the fruits of those words. His child-like faith is inspiring. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know continuing to share God’s word can make all the difference.

Jan. 15 marked a decade since our lives were forever changed. Looking back, I never thought I would survive this long. There are still difficult days, but leaning on the Lord and not on my own understanding is how I have and continue to walk forward in this life – not just surviving but also finding joy again!

There is peace that cannot be explained when you know there is a God who sent His SON for each of us – that the Father is in control – and every single decision we make, though there is free will, doesn’t change the final outcome that He has planned.

Lord, I pray that even when we cannot understand the horrific things of this life and everything feels so out of control, You will bring us peace. Help us to walk forward with trust and without doubt, knowing You have a plan, You are with us and You are in control. Amen.