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I have a confession to make.

The New Year doesn’t excite me.

In fact, I almost dread it. It feels like a heavy weight looming over – thoughts of “What awful thing might come at me?” You see, my husband Michael made his way to heaven by suicide just two weeks after the new year in 2015. It’s a moment that changed me forever.

Though grief can be debilitating early on, we eventually learn how to live with it and (God willing) find joy, but that doesn’t mean we won’t ever have days or moments that knock us to our knees. Grief and trauma can do that, especially when we near holidays and anniversaries. These can be a trigger.

Recently, as everyone else in my home was asleep, I lie awake in bed. Thoughts of losing those I love swirled through my mind, while a repetitive phrase spun over and over. I could not get my own voice out of my head – when Michael passed, my dad was the first person I called. The words I spoke to him that day, sharing my worst nightmare, were on repeat. My dark thoughts were relentless. I felt anxious and alone. And, then, I prayed.

Satan wants us in a place of being so worried about what’s next that we cannot enjoy what’s now and all that God has blessed us with.

In fact, between Satan and our own thoughts, there are so many things passing through our minds during the minutes, days, months and even years after the loss of our beloved. But God’s voice is stronger. His voice is truth.

When my mind says: You won’t survive …

Jesus says: I will guide you.

“Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.”
Psalm 119:105 (NIV)

When my mind says: Your family is doomed.

Jesus says: I will take what the enemy meant for evil and turn it for good.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28 (ESV)

When my mind says: No one understands how you feel.

Jesus says: I do! (Jesus understands pain, loss and grief. His best friend Lazarus died and even He knew He would raise him form the dead, yet he still wept!)

“Jesus wept.”
John 11:35 (NIV)

When my mind says: You’re alone and full of fear.

Jesus says: Do not fear! I am with you always.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

When my mind says: You’ll lose others in your life.

Jesus says: I’ve got this. I am in control.

“Do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?
Luke 12:22-26

When my mind says: You can’t do this.

Jesus says: Be strong! We’ll do this together.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

Grief is a roller coaster of emotions. But I have learned, and experienced, that Jesus is constant in the challenge and the change. He is the light in front of us, there to guide us every step of this journey. When we follow the light, it doesn’t mean that we won’t fall but it does mean the fall won’t be the end of us.

Sisters, there is still joy left to be found. Call on Jesus and let him be your strength and source of hope.

Side note: I also want to mention that the Lord puts people in our lives to be his hands, heart and help on this earth, like friends and family, doctors, counselors and therapists. If you are in a place of deep despair and need help, please reach out. I saw a counselor for several months after Michael passed and continue now as needed. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Lord, when we find ourselves in deep despair, remind us You are in control. You have a plan and purpose for our lives. Strengthen us and help us to do Your will. Amen.